Pain

Not an emo blog, no shit like that.. Just pain.

The pain of being yourself
Thats all the pain I really know, that pain boiling on yr blood when you look at yrself. The pain of existence. That unbearable pain. You know what I mean? I really fucking hope you don't.

I am a normal person as the standars classifie me. Just that I can't stand to stare at my own eyes in a mirror, I cant stand to actually analize the fact that after all I do exist. The pain of asking myself who am I? Thats pain, the pain of listening to yr own voice and feeling it to be fake and miserable, to be nothing. To be fake
Somewhere I heard we are only as big as our worst fear, and we are as real as it is. What a fucking paradox when my pain: Is not being real

This is pain and I don't really think anyone gets it, because is no " I'll hurt myself pain" or "Im not good enough" Its the fucking pain of realising that air does gets to yr lungs. The pain of having to bear your own voice all day long. The pain I feel right now, just because I stare at my hands.
It aint a pain that makes you kill yrself it much more worst. Its the pain that forces you to live with yrself. It forces you to self destruct until there is nothing mentally to hold on to. It makes you unable to love and unable to ever be alone.
You know I have a diary? Silly? yeah. I need it because when I wanna analize something I can't bear to be alone with me, so I write it like a letter, so I'm not alone its like a fucking alter ego to not having to cop with me.
That why I spend so much time here, because I know if I had to write this to my own, fuck Id die.
There is a point where I can't see myself in the mirror, I can't stare into my own eyes. I'm aware of the pain down there, but I can't give myself to it. I think it would really kill me, and not even physically but really kill me.
I don't get the pain and I am aware everything I do is an attempt to stay away. I'm also aware its like sedating my own mind. But fuck you know how it hurts? It hurts so much that I have to look away, and shut up. I can't bear it. Its like when I feel my heart beating and I can't stand it. It means I'm alive and real and I can't stand it because I dont feel real.
I know someday I'm gonna be so fucked I'm gonna give myself to it, and I think I wanna ever have the strenght to handle it. It hurts so bloody much just to think of my own existence, its worst than death, its just the suffering of actually being myself.

The man that embraces self-destruction with the full knowledge of its means and consecuences is the most brave man in the world and just by this way he can dare to create art.
I don't I ever can, I think I'm gonna burn it down with heroin and booze. Truth pain is caused by no one but myself adn even though I know so. I can't handle it, and I don't think I'll ever be able to do so, and I'll never be able to love.

I don't expect you to understand, infact I think I'd be quite pissed if you claimed to do so. I just wanted to have a record that once I understood the reason for destruction, only that.