"Clear your throat and face the world"
I'm not looking for attention, sympathy, or help, or anything at all but to let this off of my chest and share a feeling. I don't expect any of you to care, I don't expect any of you to understand, I don't even expect any one to read this. But I expect people to respect what I have to say, and let me say it.
Some of my favourite FOB lyrics that I can really relate too; "I'm a stitch away from making it, and a scar away from falling apart
What I am about to type out, I've never told anyone. It is so incredibly hard for me to let anyone know. I feel pathetic about it, and I'd rather no one know anyways. But I know it needs to be let out. And the other half may come out very shaky, because it's hard to explain.
Today for the very first time in my life, I've felt something new. I don't know if it was real, but it was something. Here's a bit of backup information. My daily routine of being depressed, going on the computer, thinking about life, barely eating, crying, procrastinating on my homework, being yelled at by my mom, and listening to Fall Out Boy, in hopes to lift my spirits, like they have done many times in the past.
Each day I've been getting worse, and worse. My thoughts get darker and deeper, and I dig myself farther in this hole. I can't cry anymore than I already have, as I can't pull my gaze away from my wrist. I've finally taken off my wrist band, seeing no one is home. The whole bottom side of my wrist seems to be one giant scab of cuts. I'm not ashamed, I already feel pathetic enough, so I try not to think about how stupid it is. I try not to think about how much it doesn't hurt physically, how I can barely feel it anymore, and how un-real feeling it's becoming. I try not to think of him. The reason why I do have these scars, the reason why I cry everyday, the one thing I never stop thinking of. In another part of my mind, I think about my parents divorce. How much hate they have going between them, even more than has been going on for the last 18 years of their marriage, and my entire life of them fighting and warping my mind. I think about the guilt running through me, even though I know it shouldn't be there. I don't want to even look at my dad, or even talk to him. But he still calls trying to talk to me everyday. I know he's trying to be there, but he should have thought of that the minute I was born, instead of all the years later. He should have been there for me from the beginning, he shouldn't have abused my mind like he had. He shouldn't have gone out and got a girlfriend before my parents even split, without my mom knowing, and still continue to deny it. He shouldn't have always called me, my mom and my sisters all those names. He shouldn't have pissed away our money on himself each time we got a little that we needed to put food on the table. He shouldn't have been a complete asshole my entire life. He shouldn't have kept trying to get me to be something I'm not. And he still shouldn't be a complete moron, so that I still wan't nothing to do with him. Anyways, that's not the point of this blog. There are many other things, but I'd rather not get into it.
While I was listening to Fall Out Boy, specifically the songs "You're Crashing But Your No Wave." and "Thriller" I felt something that was completely...undescribable. It was so small it was barely there, but it was something new. I for once in my life felt...strong. I felt like I could get through everything alive, I felt like I was going to accomplish my goals & dreams, I felt like I'd get a chance to be with him. It was so wierd. I've never felt like that before. It wasn't happiness, it was...hope. Something that I've had a lack of my whole life. That, leading to the title of this blog. My favourite lyrics from Your Crashing But Your No Wave;
Clear you're throat and face the world.
They've done it again, they've helped me understand something new, and helped me break through for a moment. So don't bother asking why I freaking LOVE Fall Out Boy. I look up to Pete Wentz so much because it seems like he completely understands what I'm going through. He's been through it, but he got through it. Patrick Stump wrote a few songs, and those too I can relate too. It seems like these two amazing writers know what I am going through, and are somehow going to be there for me every step of the way, no matter how long it takes me. I'll break through this brick wall, I'll get to the end of the dark tunnel where the light is; him and my dreams will be waiting there for me. I just got to try even harder.
This blog isn't about Fall Out Boy, but they are deffinatly a big part in it. I hope someday each and everyone of you that is struggling gets to feel like I do right now, it's really strange, but I think it's real. And to all those people out there ready to give up like I have been, don't give in. It's unfair some people have to try harder than others, but once you get to where you want to be, it'll feel like you won't have to work another day of your life. We'll all come out on top. Goodluck to everyone out there. And just so you know, I'm always here to talk to any of you. I'm always here. I love you GSB. I know they won't ever see this but you know what, whatever: I fucking love you Fall Out Boy. You've saved me over & over again in so many ways
I may not feel like this tomorrow, or the day after etc. But I sure do feel like this now, and nothing can ruin this. Because right now, I just cleared my throat, and faced the world.
Some of my favourite FOB lyrics that I can really relate too; "I'm a stitch away from making it, and a scar away from falling apart
What I am about to type out, I've never told anyone. It is so incredibly hard for me to let anyone know. I feel pathetic about it, and I'd rather no one know anyways. But I know it needs to be let out. And the other half may come out very shaky, because it's hard to explain.
Today for the very first time in my life, I've felt something new. I don't know if it was real, but it was something. Here's a bit of backup information. My daily routine of being depressed, going on the computer, thinking about life, barely eating, crying, procrastinating on my homework, being yelled at by my mom, and listening to Fall Out Boy, in hopes to lift my spirits, like they have done many times in the past.
Each day I've been getting worse, and worse. My thoughts get darker and deeper, and I dig myself farther in this hole. I can't cry anymore than I already have, as I can't pull my gaze away from my wrist. I've finally taken off my wrist band, seeing no one is home. The whole bottom side of my wrist seems to be one giant scab of cuts. I'm not ashamed, I already feel pathetic enough, so I try not to think about how stupid it is. I try not to think about how much it doesn't hurt physically, how I can barely feel it anymore, and how un-real feeling it's becoming. I try not to think of him. The reason why I do have these scars, the reason why I cry everyday, the one thing I never stop thinking of. In another part of my mind, I think about my parents divorce. How much hate they have going between them, even more than has been going on for the last 18 years of their marriage, and my entire life of them fighting and warping my mind. I think about the guilt running through me, even though I know it shouldn't be there. I don't want to even look at my dad, or even talk to him. But he still calls trying to talk to me everyday. I know he's trying to be there, but he should have thought of that the minute I was born, instead of all the years later. He should have been there for me from the beginning, he shouldn't have abused my mind like he had. He shouldn't have gone out and got a girlfriend before my parents even split, without my mom knowing, and still continue to deny it. He shouldn't have always called me, my mom and my sisters all those names. He shouldn't have pissed away our money on himself each time we got a little that we needed to put food on the table. He shouldn't have been a complete asshole my entire life. He shouldn't have kept trying to get me to be something I'm not. And he still shouldn't be a complete moron, so that I still wan't nothing to do with him. Anyways, that's not the point of this blog. There are many other things, but I'd rather not get into it.
While I was listening to Fall Out Boy, specifically the songs "You're Crashing But Your No Wave." and "Thriller" I felt something that was completely...undescribable. It was so small it was barely there, but it was something new. I for once in my life felt...strong. I felt like I could get through everything alive, I felt like I was going to accomplish my goals & dreams, I felt like I'd get a chance to be with him. It was so wierd. I've never felt like that before. It wasn't happiness, it was...hope. Something that I've had a lack of my whole life. That, leading to the title of this blog. My favourite lyrics from Your Crashing But Your No Wave;
Clear you're throat and face the world.
They've done it again, they've helped me understand something new, and helped me break through for a moment. So don't bother asking why I freaking LOVE Fall Out Boy. I look up to Pete Wentz so much because it seems like he completely understands what I'm going through. He's been through it, but he got through it. Patrick Stump wrote a few songs, and those too I can relate too. It seems like these two amazing writers know what I am going through, and are somehow going to be there for me every step of the way, no matter how long it takes me. I'll break through this brick wall, I'll get to the end of the dark tunnel where the light is; him and my dreams will be waiting there for me. I just got to try even harder.
This blog isn't about Fall Out Boy, but they are deffinatly a big part in it. I hope someday each and everyone of you that is struggling gets to feel like I do right now, it's really strange, but I think it's real. And to all those people out there ready to give up like I have been, don't give in. It's unfair some people have to try harder than others, but once you get to where you want to be, it'll feel like you won't have to work another day of your life. We'll all come out on top. Goodluck to everyone out there. And just so you know, I'm always here to talk to any of you. I'm always here. I love you GSB. I know they won't ever see this but you know what, whatever: I fucking love you Fall Out Boy. You've saved me over & over again in so many ways
I may not feel like this tomorrow, or the day after etc. But I sure do feel like this now, and nothing can ruin this. Because right now, I just cleared my throat, and faced the world.
This is how I fell with Elliott Smith, I can relate to it.
When your upset I think the feeling is that someone else knows how you feel just makes you feel so much better. Everyone is always like "oh no wonder your upset! your music is so sad!" but it makes me feel better, like i'm not alone.
I never have really thought of Fall Out Boy as a deep band, I have always listened to it when I'm in happyer moods. But now it makes more sense.
Dirt., December 10th, 2007 at 06:53:07am
Wow. I remember having something sorta like a conversation about this with you.
Whatever it is...a band..Fall Out Boy...hobbies...sports...WHATEVER that makes you feel strong and gives you that hope, than go through with it!!!!
You arn't starving.
Or dying.
Or homeless.
Yet I do know that you can be sad from other things. Just don't give up. Clear your throat and face the world! Don't shrivel up and die because one boy out of 9834598 boys in the world doesn't like you. Just because this one boy didn't make your fairytale dreams come true...doesn't mean that you need to put those scars on your wrist. He isn't worth it. Their is no way you can argue that with me.
I get it that you feel hopeless, that the walls are closing in and you're suffocating. I've done it all babe=]
I've done the self mutlilation. The attempt at suicide....and all the jazz. But I woke up one day and said to myself "I only live this life once. I've got a whole life ahead of me. I can make myself happy. I can control what goes on."
You gotta remeber that. Life is what you make it. Only YOU can make the light shine in the dark. Things and people and or music (in your case) can help. But in the end only you can make everything better. Remeber that.
Jessie.Tastic!, December 6th, 2007 at 08:36:03am
Because right now, I just cleared my throat, and faced the world.
If you keep this up you'll be set for the rest of your life.
You've really put this out there & you're really being honest.
Wash away the tears, the fears, the cuts & every other bad thing..
Because in the end all you'll have is you. You can't let that goto waste.
I'm glad that Fall Out Boy has been helping you..
Please Danielle, never give up.
threeam., December 5th, 2007 at 01:25:10pm