Rest In Peace, Helen. [1925-2007]

24th December, Christmas Eve, 2pm.

This was the date that Helen Sinclair passed away. Now, this woman is not just anybody, no. This woman is one of the most important people in my life. This woman is my grandmother. The news came heavy to me. My mother was on the phone to my dad, calling from the hospital. I picked up the phone and due to us having two phones caught those fateful words on the other line.

'My mother has just died.'

I slammed the phone down and an empty feeling inside of me swelled and pushed everything out of me, a sob and a tear or ten.

I am writing this now and I haven't felt up to discussing it with a lot of people, but now I feel as if she deserves to be known. She is absolutely amazing.

My grandmother moulded me from an infant into who I am today. She taught me my first French word. Sauccisson which means sausage. And nowadays French is one of my best subjects.
I remember going to her house every Sunday when I was young to play all sorts of games and cook and play in her garden and feed the cat which came to visit. My grandmother was a very active person and she often went walking in the hills with some of her friends.

She went out walking up the moors with her friend, Sue, and this was the moment which our lives were turned upside down.
She fell, causing her hip to need a replacement. It limited her movement and I remember visiting her in hospital. She was later dismissed to her home. But things just got worse. She had a stroke and fell, again. Once more her hip needed to be replaced, which it was. The stroke and the fall injured her legs badly, making her unable to walk up a flight of stairs.

Yet she never gave up. She wasn't in a wheelchair, she still tried to be how she was but we had to put her into a nursing home as her legs were becoming worse.

I remember seeing her room for the first time with my mom. We chose that room for her, she liked the views out of the window.

She was still happy and she was still my Nanar.

A few days before the 24th, she fell, once more and had another stroke. She hit her head on her bedside table, resulting in a nasty cut abover her eye and she became extremely ill due to the stroke.

I remember, I visited her on the 23rd. I remember I wasn't getting dressed at my quickest pace and my mother saying to me 'she's dying.'.
I went into overdrive as this hit me, screaming at my mother and pulling on my clothes and getting into the car.

Now, when I went to visit my Nanar, she'd usually be sat in her chair watching TV or reading or something similar. That's what I was expecting, except a little worse.

We entered her room and inside I broke down. There she was, her little frail face, her eyes closed as she was laying in bed. She looked very thin and I stood there, looking down at her, crying. I tried to be strong, I really did. But it was such a shock to me.
I'm not that religious and I remember looking out of her window, the words forming in my head.
'If you save her, I promise you I will believe in you forever. Please, send someone to look after her. Please.'

My Nanar looked at me and smiled. 'Don't cry, don't be sad.' she mumbled quietly. She was drowsy and had had to have a lot of pills.
I sat on the edge of her bed and held her hand, occasionally giving her a sip of water.
When we had to go, I squeezed her hand and gave her a kiss on the cheek and walked out with my mother and sobbed. Seeing her like that was awful.
I wanted my Nanar back.

The next day, she fell unconsious and was admitted into hospital. My mother went to keep her company and I was told my Nanar slipped away peacefully.

And the day after, she was gone. I hope she's having a good time in Heaven and now she can be with my grandad and her son, my uncle. And now she's not in any pain.

I miss her, terribly. She didn't even get to open her Christmas presents.

I love this woman more than anybody in my family. More than anybody I know. She is such an important person to me and I will miss her every day. She will always be in my heart and my soul and Nanar, if you're looking down on us now, I want to thank you for everything you've ever done for me. You are an amazing star and I love you. Forever will I hold you in my heart.

I love you, Nanar.

Rest in peace.



My Nanar and I as a baby



[l-r] Nanar, Me, Grandad

<3