This house is haunted.

It's so pathetic, it makes no sense at all. I'm ripe with things to say, the words rot and fall away. If a stupid poem could fix this home, I'd read it every day. As you may have noticed, I'm writing about my parents divorce, and my father. Let me clear this up right now. I realise that I'm lucky to even know who my dad is, I'm lucky that I still see him, I'm lucky that he tells me he loves me, I'm lucky he still gets me concert tickets when he can, I'm lucky he wants to see me; but if you were in my shoes you'd understand my position. This is something that I've never really talked about; to anyone, and I'm sick of holding it all in. I need to let it out. I don't expect pity, and I'm sure lot's of you will think I'm totally someone lame who can't take something so small. But you really have no idea how much this has hurt me and changed my life completely.

The past while I've been thinking a lot, about everything. I've been thinking a lot about my parents divorce. Last year in June near the end of school, they told us they weren't going to be together anymore. I remember it so well too, it was a monday. The night before they told me and my two sisters that we needed to have a "family meeting". Right away, I knew exactly what it would be about. We never had family meetings. Given our families current situation at the time, I knew they were going to tell us the news I had waited my whole life to hear. I can hear him fighting, with her for no good reason. Will this ever end? Will this house be a home again?

The whole day I couldn't concentrate, I actually almost cried too. I didn't tell anyone about anything, but I raced home immediately. They sat us all at the table and my dad stepped up and told us, while my mom stood there in tears. I never cried the whole time. I just sat there, so quiet, while my oldest sister; Savanna, was crying. My other sister who is still older than me(Kaitee), didn't say a word. My dad asked us about our opinions on this, and we just told them we thought it would be best if this happened. For as long as I can remember, my parents have fought, screamed and threw things at eachother. Each night of my young life, I would cry. I would cry myself to sleep.

I don't know everything about this divorce, because my mom refuses to tell us things(which I think is unfair in some ways), but I understand where she is coming from. But from the discussions me and my mother have had, my dad cheated on my mom. Sure all the fighting and putting eachother down and the hate for the longest time was enough, but this? This was too much for me to handle. I already hated my dad enough, but this just went over the top for me. He never slept with his girlfriend, but it was more of an emotional relationship, not so much physical, (if you know what I mean) that they had going on. To this day, my dad still denies it. I don't understand him. I really think he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Just thinking about all of this really makes me angry. Rather then fix the problems, they never solve them, it makes no sense at all.

Last year my parents divorced, but yet they're still going on about it. My parents are now going to court because my dad hasn't been paying us the money that he said he would. My mom can barely put food on the table, put clothes on our backs, and keep a roof over our head. This really breaks her down, in a crying way, and in an angry way; and she takes it all out on me. It isn't fair, but I take it anyways. My dad can barely afford to feed himself either. If this is so true, then why has he been going so many vacations with him and his girlfriend, Debbie? Why, last year when we had money in the bank for once, did he go and spend it all on himself? Does he not care that his kids might have to live on the streets in a year if this continues? He doesn't see it, and he denies it. He hasn't stopped doing it. It really seems as if he doesn't care. Those days I spent so cold so hungry, were full of hate, I was so angry.

All the years that my parents fought, those were some of the hardest years ever; and they make up my entire childhood. My dad was never there. He never drove us to our sports, or came to our games. He never took us to the mall, or played catch with us. He never talked on the phone to us or bothered to make time for us. He never taught me how to ride a bike or tie my shoes. He never bothered to even show he cared. I don't understand how he can live with that; there isn't one good memory that I have where he's apart of it.

It's funny, I remember I used to look up to him so much. Back in grade 3 or so. I wanted to be just like him for whatever reason...its been a long hard road without you by my side, why werent you there all the nights that we cried? you broke my mothers heart, you broke your children's for life, its not okay, but we're alright. I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes, but those are just a long lost memory of mine.

Some of the only memories I have of him are burned into my skull. I wish I could forget them, but I can't. Every single birthday I had, he would start a fight and I would run to my room in tears in the middle of opening presents. Same with every Christmas. When we went to Disneyland, every day was a constant fight. That should have been a great childhood vacation; it was terrible. I remember when he used to physically either push me to the ground, or push me out of the way, injuring me slightly. He didn't care that he made me cry, not one bit. I remember I was so angry that I told him to shut up(it was a rule that we weren't alowed to say that to him) I remember the stinging on my face as he slapped me. I'll never forget that, it hurt me more emotionally than physically. I remember all the days he would litterally, call me fat, or chubby, or ugly or stpid and any other thing you can think of. I blame him for part of my low self esteem issues that have now led to borderline anorexia and attempt at bulimia.

I was never good enough for him. I was never what he wanted me to be. He would scream at me when I got a B and not an A. He would make me cry when I got a bad mark on a test; even if I tried my hardest. I never listened to the right music, dressed the right way, ate the right food, said the right words, or had the right talents. It's almost as if he expected me to be perfect. I could never make him happy enough, that really hurt me. Can't you see that you're smothering me?Holding too tightly afraid to lose control, 'cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you. Every step that I take is another mistake to you

At the young age of 8, I remember wanting to take my own life. I remember hearing about people injuring themselves on purpose, and I wanted to do it so bad. I never did though. At such a young age I would cry myself to sleep listening to Simple Plan. Then it led to more angry music that expressed my emotions. Like Linkin Park, Three Days Grace, Sum 41 and Nickelback. He really hated my music, so he took it away from me. Now that I think back, I don't remember once when he said he loved me. It shocks me. How can he have been such a jerk? How could he have hurt me so bad?

A few weeks ago, my dad was talking to me about the divorce. Around his girlfriend he's really nice which is wierd, but when she's gone, he's back to his same old angry self. He told me now that he saw us barely at all, he's began to appreciate us more. I wanted to say so badly, "you should've thought of that when you actually lived with us." But I bit my tongue. My dad keeps trying to 'hang out' with me, but I seriously don't even want to hear his voice. Every time I see him I just want to say everything I've ever thought. For too long, I've held back everything I've always wanted to say. I've never spoke up against him, and I think it's time that I should say something. I can never bring myself to do it though. It makes me feel bad because he's the one who buys me concert tickets, even when he can't afford to. Sometimes, I forgive.

Constantly, I've told my dad I need and want my space from him for a while. Then he replies with "well how long do you need? How long should I wait?" almost sarcastically. I get so angry, I don't know! I sometimes never want to see him again. Why can't he just respect that I need time away from him to heal? He really doesn't see just how much he's really hurt me. No father should make their 12 year old daughter cry because she couldn't make his dinner the way he wanted it. I'm just glad he never beat me, which I swear was going to come next if my parents didn't divorce.

I'm now 14, almost 15, and in serious situations I'm constantly told I act more mature for my age. I believe I've had to grow up sooner than most people in many ways, to even begin to cope with my dad. I always used to try and make time for him, I always wanted to be around him. He pushed me out of the way and made his work and electronics more important than me. Now that I'm a teenager he expects me to drop whatever I'm doing in life, and hang out with him? Is he stupid? If he never hurt me so bad, and even attempted to show that he cared all those years ago when he had the chance, I might want to give him another chance. As of now, he's used up all of his chances. I can't keep letting him hurt me. With every thing, he always lets me down, and I'm sick of it. I can't depend on him anymore. I never should have in the first place.

In a big way, my parents divorce has helped me a lot. I've had lot's of time away from him; and I don't miss him. Maybe in time I might, but as of now I wish I didn't even know him.

I wish my dad knew how much he has hurt me, my mom and my sisters. It's not fair; he really ruined my 'childhood'. Now that I'm a teenager, I would really like to look back and smile. But I just look back and almost cry, and try to block everything out. It's not fair. I want my life back, I want back the things that he stole from me. I want him to mend my mom's heart; he completely broke her and tore her apart more than anyone. It's not fair. She's an amazing woman who doesn't deserve everything she's gotten in life. He doesn't deserve an apology from her. He's lucky that she'll even look at him. He doesn't even understand why she doesn't want to talk to him, or see him, or even let him into the house. He's completely clueless. If this is what he wants, and it's what she wants, then why is there so much pain?

One day I hope I can let him know everything. One day I hope he sees the damage that he's done. For now this will have to do. I've never let any of this off of my chest. There is so much more, but I know I've forgotten to write it all down. Thank you if you've read this. Writing this helped me more than anyone could understand.
lyrics: Emotionless by Good Charlotte, Stay Together For The Kids by Blink 182, Sleepless Nights by Faber Drive, Numb by Linkin Park.

Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive.