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Teletubbies


On Friday, my friends and I went to one of the function rooms at a theme park we live by to sing in a choir. Afterwards, we were all sat around drinking really strong cordial orange juice and eating weird, trippy short bread biscuits with smiley faces on them that said 100% butter.

There was a picture on this projector screen of the Blackpool illuminations with three alien like cartoon lights on them. Naturally, this started the conversation of teletubbies. We had a serious talk about the demented underlying themes of the whole show, and came up with some questions about it.


1. How can you tell if a Teletubby is a boy or a girl?

Seriously, there is genuinely no way to determine if we're talking femmetub or masctub. I mean, I had always been under the impression Po was a boy, but apparently it's a girl. Surprised? So was I! And Tinky Winky is a boy but he has a red handbag? I don't have a problem with cross dressers or anything, but he is also found dancing in Laa Laa's tutu from time to time. Surely they'd give him more masculine objects and hobbies if he's the only boy? Or is Dipsy a boy too? I just don't know!

2. Where do they get food from?

Let's think logically about this.

In Teletubby land there are only:

- Four Teletubbies
- One living hoover (Noo-Noo)
- A shit load of rabbits.
- Flowers that talk
- A laughing baby trapped in a sun.

Where do they acquire tubby custard and ... wait for it... tubby toast? And how do they live off that stuff anyway? Haven't they heard of water? Protein? And how do they eat toast? They don't even have teeth!


3. How old are the teletubbies?

Themselves, I mean, not the show. Because, er, HELLO - they all play about a million instruments each! Either it's a Teletubby thing to be a natural musician, or they've had some seriously long years of practice. Let's see...

Tinky Winky plays the saxophone, flute, bassoon, clarinet, piccolo, oboe, recorder, English horn, and contrabassoon.
Laa Laa plays the xylophone, triangle, bass drum, snare drum, cymbals, timpani, castanets, maracas, tambourine, and glockenspiel (okay, so it doesn't take that long to master a series of drums to the standard that she plays them, but when I was around what I initially assumed to be her age, I was chewing on crayons)
Dipsy plays the trumpet, French horn, trombone, tuba, cornet, sousaphone, and euphonium.
Po plays the harp, violin, viola, cello, double bass, guitar, banjo, and mandolin.

That red thing can play a harp? What the fudge?!

So. They can all play a ton of instruments, yet they talk like burbling morons? Makes perfect sense! Not.

4. How do you even define a Teletubby?
WTF ARE THESE THINGS?


5. How did they buy the Tubbytronic Superdome?

That's right. The Tubster household. How did they buy this thing? Did another crazy intersexual, never-aging Teletubby come along and be all like,

"Mrahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ah la da la?"

(Translation: Do you wanna buy this house? 'Cause I'm like, an awesome estate agent. Yeah.)

And then Laa Laa was like,

"Laa Laa say daaaaaaaaaaaa!"

(Translation: hell yes we do! here, have this fudging cheque!)

Is that how it happened? Is that it?

They have the minds of three-year-olds! How did they buy this house that looks like something people in the 60's would have said the houses in the Millenium looks like?


I'm telling you guys, it's pure insanity! Despite the fact that this show made up most of my childhood, I now see it for what it truly is...

Fucked.
Posted on May 18th, 2008 at 09:11pm

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