I'm Fine
I find myself searching through all the clothes lying scattered around my bedroom floor, with no idea of what I was looking for. My cell phone? My keys? My mind, maybe? My sick and twisted mind that I lost somewhere down this long and winding road they call life. Maybe I’m not looking for anything at all. Maybe I’m tidying my room. I don’t know anymore. Days turn into hours and hours turn into minutes, and all the minutes just blend together making my head a complete and incomprehensible chaos. Oh, but do not fret my friend. I still have the nights. The nights drag out into long, unbearable hours where all I want to do is sleep, but I don’t want to sleep. I want to push tomorrow as far away as possible. Just like I used to. But the purpose of pushing tomorrow away has disappeared. Now it’s just lengthening the already long hours. Torture in a way. An unnoticeable and quite sophisticated form of self-harm. Oh yeah. I'm actually quite proud of it. It doesn't leave any noticeable scars. It doesn't bruise my skin.
Thinking, thinking, thinking. And every thought gets far more frightening. Every new thought more awful and terrifying than the one before. Every new thought tearing my heart and soul into small little cliché pieces of heartache and teenage angst that are impossible to put back together.. Every new thought making me want to go back to sleep and sleep for a hundred years, just until it’s all alright; until everything’s forgotten.
I hardly notice what's happening around me. One minute I'm lying in the park with my friend, looking at the sky while listening to music and the next I'm sitting in front of the tv eating dinner with mum and dad and my brother. And before I know it I'm sitting in front of my computer, drinking whiskey I stole from my dad. Not a lot, just enough. Forgetting is such a relief. Oh yeah. I know it's sad and pathetic and not cool at all, but it's a relief.
Then all of a sudden I'm sitting with my hands soaked in tears watching some romantic comedy or romantic tragedy longing for just a hug or if I'm lucky, maybe even a kiss. Just a little one. Just some intimacy so I won't feel so alone again. Oh why isn't he here? Why isn't she here? Where is this so called soul mate I'm supposed to find? Why aren't they climbing through my window just cause they can sense I'm feeling alone? Why aren't they here to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be alright? Why aren't they locking their arms safely around me and falling asleep beside me? Or where is something to keep me busy while I wait for this perfect someone?
Oh, I know it's pathetic. Don't you worry. I know it's sad, pathetic and desperate.
But when you have everything else, you gotta waste your tears on something, right?
And I did thought I'd found it. Once. It's a long time ago now. I thought that for once somebody likes me, and oh just another year and I'll have everything that I've ever dreamed about. And I kept my hopes up so high. And I let all my dreams fly. But funny thing about hopes and dreams, haha. They have a really bad habit of breaking. Disappointment. But that was hardly the worst part about this. The worst part was that I was right all along. I knew it, but I didn't want to realize it. And yeah I know what they all say. "Don't give up hope". "You're only 17". "Wait, somebody's out there". "It's really not worth it".
That last statement cracks me up every time. Cause we're all looking for it. From the tender age of 13 we start to explore this thing. Love. In different degrees and shapes and sizes. Though that kind of love is very different from the love you experience as you get older, it's still love. Nobody should be allowed to call it anything else. I'd kill to have a chance to experience that. The whole "would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?*giggle giggle hug giggle giggle" thing.
Oh but now I'm just ranting. I totally forgot what I was looking for. Or was I looking for something? My mind was it? Oh well, I think that it's long gone anyway. There's no point anymore, cause there's always a drink, a pill or a mouth out there somewhere to numb the pain or the emptiness. Make you believe you can do everything. Make you scream that "I'm the fucking queen of the world, and you're all just a bunch of losers who don't understand how great I really am, well it's your fucking loss!". At least for a little while.
I know I'm not easy to care about. But it's okay, cause I’m good. I'm great.
I'm fine.
though there is a lot of facts in this, it was more meant as a story than anything else. just tell me what you think. I'll end up deleting it eventually.
Thinking, thinking, thinking. And every thought gets far more frightening. Every new thought more awful and terrifying than the one before. Every new thought tearing my heart and soul into small little cliché pieces of heartache and teenage angst that are impossible to put back together.. Every new thought making me want to go back to sleep and sleep for a hundred years, just until it’s all alright; until everything’s forgotten.
I hardly notice what's happening around me. One minute I'm lying in the park with my friend, looking at the sky while listening to music and the next I'm sitting in front of the tv eating dinner with mum and dad and my brother. And before I know it I'm sitting in front of my computer, drinking whiskey I stole from my dad. Not a lot, just enough. Forgetting is such a relief. Oh yeah. I know it's sad and pathetic and not cool at all, but it's a relief.
Then all of a sudden I'm sitting with my hands soaked in tears watching some romantic comedy or romantic tragedy longing for just a hug or if I'm lucky, maybe even a kiss. Just a little one. Just some intimacy so I won't feel so alone again. Oh why isn't he here? Why isn't she here? Where is this so called soul mate I'm supposed to find? Why aren't they climbing through my window just cause they can sense I'm feeling alone? Why aren't they here to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be alright? Why aren't they locking their arms safely around me and falling asleep beside me? Or where is something to keep me busy while I wait for this perfect someone?
Oh, I know it's pathetic. Don't you worry. I know it's sad, pathetic and desperate.
But when you have everything else, you gotta waste your tears on something, right?
And I did thought I'd found it. Once. It's a long time ago now. I thought that for once somebody likes me, and oh just another year and I'll have everything that I've ever dreamed about. And I kept my hopes up so high. And I let all my dreams fly. But funny thing about hopes and dreams, haha. They have a really bad habit of breaking. Disappointment. But that was hardly the worst part about this. The worst part was that I was right all along. I knew it, but I didn't want to realize it. And yeah I know what they all say. "Don't give up hope". "You're only 17". "Wait, somebody's out there". "It's really not worth it".
That last statement cracks me up every time. Cause we're all looking for it. From the tender age of 13 we start to explore this thing. Love. In different degrees and shapes and sizes. Though that kind of love is very different from the love you experience as you get older, it's still love. Nobody should be allowed to call it anything else. I'd kill to have a chance to experience that. The whole "would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?*giggle giggle hug giggle giggle" thing.
Oh but now I'm just ranting. I totally forgot what I was looking for. Or was I looking for something? My mind was it? Oh well, I think that it's long gone anyway. There's no point anymore, cause there's always a drink, a pill or a mouth out there somewhere to numb the pain or the emptiness. Make you believe you can do everything. Make you scream that "I'm the fucking queen of the world, and you're all just a bunch of losers who don't understand how great I really am, well it's your fucking loss!". At least for a little while.
I know I'm not easy to care about. But it's okay, cause I’m good. I'm great.
I'm fine.
though there is a lot of facts in this, it was more meant as a story than anything else. just tell me what you think. I'll end up deleting it eventually.
i don't know what to say, really, cause I see myself in this everywhere, and what the hell would I tell myself?
this was beautiful.
i just want you to know that.
and don't delete it.
(:
Lissie!, July 18th, 2008 at 04:33:15pm
Oh I know love hurts. Trust me. I've been there and done that. Love's only hurt me. But like...I want to know how it's like to belong to someone, y'know? I wanna know what it feels like to love someone and actually be loved back, y'know? cause I've never experienced that. And yeah I know, it's unnecessary and it hurts and nothing's forever, but I need something to make the days pass right? xD
Donna H., July 16th, 2008 at 11:24:47pm
You don't need someone to make you happy. Make yourself happy. :]
I know this probably sounds really stupid, but I'm biased. I'm really about ready to slit love's throat right now. Such a complicated and unnecessary emotion.. you're better off without it. T_T
I know you want someone to love right now, but just think about it... it doesn't last forever. Eventually something will happen and it'll disappear and leave you completely heartbroken and back where you started. That's something I can live without. :]
Anyway, just hold on to what you already have. :]
Hello, My Name Is Asshole, July 16th, 2008 at 07:52:29pm
This is beautiful, I am going to hunt you down and kill you if you delete this. :))
brompton cocktail., July 16th, 2008 at 02:16:44pm
Why would you delete this? It is really well written. I agree with Andie, you are a wonderful writer :D
Cradle of Fear, July 16th, 2008 at 01:16:12am
don't delete this!! this is beautiful. you're a wonderful writer.
a.n.d.i.e., July 16th, 2008 at 12:19:31am