dear mom...
you would think that after seeing someone every day you would know everything about them. and still i feel like you don't know anything about me. you can't even see that sometimes i'm falling apart in front of you. everything is just too much and i can't handle it.
i have no "real" problems, but every little thing just keeps adding up and i feel like i'm falling apart and getting a nervous breakdown soon.
"Do you ever build up all the small things in your head?
To make one problem that adds up to nothing"
i have a huge social anxiety, i have no friends, i'm a social reject and it's killing me to be alone. makes everything so much harder. i don't even know what i wanna do with my life. i can't choose a profession and seems like there is no such job i would enjoy. and the ones that would, seem so far away and unreachable. (like i dunno... a photographer or artist of some sort). i can't handle everyday life, normal shit that people do. i can't handle social interaction, i can't handle responsibilities and adult stuff. i can't hold things together to make everything work. i'm so stressed an worried about my future. and oh yeah, one more thing... i hate myself.
and i hate this country. the winters make me wanna cry helplessly. i already wanna cry helplessly when i think about next winter. it's already started to get colder. in a couple of months the darkness comes and even a thought of it drives me nuts. i can't handle it.
you think i'm alright, you think im even remotely normal... well, i'm not. you don't even know that sometimes i hate you so much for having me. i didn't ask to be born, why should i be grateful about this life when everything hurts. you think we're so close, but i can't tell you a damn thing. i wish you would realize that you know nothing about me. you're so dumb you don't wanna see that i'm not happy. but i suppose that's fine. you can read it on my diary after i've killed myself... jk jk.
i know you're trying really hard, but despite that, you were never really that good mother. all this stuff i wanna say and i can't are bubbleing to get out, but i simply can't say them. i wanna say that you were stupid to have a child without a father, cause you thought it'd be enough that you loved me. and sometimes i even dispise you for that... and i hate to be like you. you're soft and weak, just like i am. you think i'm better than you, you say all that stuff about how much you hate yourself and then you tell me i have a good self esteen. and everytime you say that i wanna punch you cause you can't and don't wanna see how shitty i feel and i have no self esteem. you just want me to be everything you never were.
well, i'm none of it, please stop thinking that. stop being so fucking blind and selfish and open your eyes, so you'll see i feel bad.
oh wow, this is long... sorry for the rant. this is probably the most personal blog i've written. i just feel so bad i had to get this out. i might delete this later. you don't have to read it through. my mom should though.
i have no "real" problems, but every little thing just keeps adding up and i feel like i'm falling apart and getting a nervous breakdown soon.
"Do you ever build up all the small things in your head?
To make one problem that adds up to nothing"
i have a huge social anxiety, i have no friends, i'm a social reject and it's killing me to be alone. makes everything so much harder. i don't even know what i wanna do with my life. i can't choose a profession and seems like there is no such job i would enjoy. and the ones that would, seem so far away and unreachable. (like i dunno... a photographer or artist of some sort). i can't handle everyday life, normal shit that people do. i can't handle social interaction, i can't handle responsibilities and adult stuff. i can't hold things together to make everything work. i'm so stressed an worried about my future. and oh yeah, one more thing... i hate myself.
and i hate this country. the winters make me wanna cry helplessly. i already wanna cry helplessly when i think about next winter. it's already started to get colder. in a couple of months the darkness comes and even a thought of it drives me nuts. i can't handle it.
you think i'm alright, you think im even remotely normal... well, i'm not. you don't even know that sometimes i hate you so much for having me. i didn't ask to be born, why should i be grateful about this life when everything hurts. you think we're so close, but i can't tell you a damn thing. i wish you would realize that you know nothing about me. you're so dumb you don't wanna see that i'm not happy. but i suppose that's fine. you can read it on my diary after i've killed myself... jk jk.
i know you're trying really hard, but despite that, you were never really that good mother. all this stuff i wanna say and i can't are bubbleing to get out, but i simply can't say them. i wanna say that you were stupid to have a child without a father, cause you thought it'd be enough that you loved me. and sometimes i even dispise you for that... and i hate to be like you. you're soft and weak, just like i am. you think i'm better than you, you say all that stuff about how much you hate yourself and then you tell me i have a good self esteen. and everytime you say that i wanna punch you cause you can't and don't wanna see how shitty i feel and i have no self esteem. you just want me to be everything you never were.
well, i'm none of it, please stop thinking that. stop being so fucking blind and selfish and open your eyes, so you'll see i feel bad.
oh wow, this is long... sorry for the rant. this is probably the most personal blog i've written. i just feel so bad i had to get this out. i might delete this later. you don't have to read it through. my mom should though.
again I don't really know what else to say that will really help as Flan's already said some good advice
I'm gonna quote from Trio again, like I always do:
http://www.metrolyrics.com/over-and-ou t-lyrics-alkaline-trio.html
you probably already know this & the lyrics, but I can personally see this song helping me through some rough times to come...
Trusty Chords., August 24th, 2008 at 12:59:12am
:(
MissNeurotic, have you tried talking to your mom about how you feel and all your problems? I know you said it's hard for you to talk about it, but maybe you should try, except I would talk to her in a way that wouldn't spark a fight, y'know?
I hope you feel better :). You're a really cool person. And you don't have to be soft and weak if you don't want to. I'm not saying turn into some "tough rebel motorcycle dude" (lol0), but liek, you can work on yourself and try to build yourself up somehow, in a reasonable way. I've had some family problems before, and it's hard to work them out sometimes, but it's totally worth it if you do, or at lest try. I don't know if I'm making any sense or anything. I just woke up.
I love you, son. :D :P
-John Wayne
Flan, August 23rd, 2008 at 02:07:17pm
Ur really lucky 2 have a mum. Im not yellin at u or anythin like that. After my mum died I was asking myself all sorts of questions like did she love me, did she care about me etc. I think ur mum needs 2 realize how miserable u r. I realize how miserable u r just by reading this and I dont even know u that well. It must be hard 2 not have a father in ur life. If u wanna talk anytime of the day or night just PM me
Aussie! Oi Oi Oi, August 17th, 2008 at 02:32:57pm
I don't know how to help on the whole "no father" and "lack of communication" thing. I really think if I gave sugestions the probles when get 10x worse. However, I really do thing your social problems will come to an end when school starts again. Just cuz you're shy doesn't mean you'll never have any friends. There really is a kind of person who for some reason or another, reaches out to the shy people. I dont think this social anxiety will last. As for the whole "no idea what I wanna do" problem, let me just tell ya that you're not alone. I've got no clue what the hell I wanna do in collage.
Blarg!, August 17th, 2008 at 03:32:38am
Join the *Children without a father* club, I'm not one to sympathize at all, but hows about me and you switch lives, all I want to do is be social and be an adult. Oh yeah, and maybe countries too, I love the dark. :)
Who Stole My Pants?, August 16th, 2008 at 10:27:43pm