Stop Crying Your Heart Out
Dear you,
Did you know that you tried to change me? You tried to make me into something I never want to be. You tried to convince me to swallow my pride. You tried to make me compromise everything I am for everything I'm not. You wanted me to put myself out there and talk to people, but for what? So other kids won't look at me differently? So that I'll thank you someday for "saving" my life? So that I'll be just like you? I don't remember the last time I felt so unsure. I don't remember the last time I felt so disenchanted. I don't remember the last time I felt so empty. I don't understand how you still have the ability to do this to me.
Did you know that it feels like you'll never believe in me? Whenever I express my hopes for the future all you're concerned about is whether or not I have a back up plan. I guess that means you care, but it's worse than a slap in the face when you tell me not to put everything into just one goal because you don't think I'll succeed. You taught how me to believe and yet the second I finally had faith in something you still weren't convinced.
Did you know how much it hurt when you changed? No, you don't and I know you never will. I can accept that, but I can barely look at you half the time. Do you know what it feels like to be traded in for something "better" ? No, you don't and I would rather die than put my friends through what I went through.
Well guess what? I refuse to let you turn me into a clone. I'd rather deal with the teasing of not belonging than deal with the pressures of trying to. Why can't you see that? If I don't blend in it's my choice. I'm not perfect, popular, beautiful or special, but I'm slowly learning to accept myself. After thinking about that long conversation we had it hit me; If I were to do everything you suggested that would mean I wouldn't be honest with myself or the people I love. I'm not willing to fit in just so I'll feel more secure or so that more people will like me. Most of the time I barely know who I am, although I definitely know what I'm not; I'm not you and I never will be.
I used to think you were the greatest person I've ever met, but I was wrong. It sickens me how you tried to change me even if you weren't doing it intentionally. I hate who are now for more reasons than I loved who you were. We have almost nothing in common now a days and I think we're better off that way. The next time you try to transform me into someone else, don't. Why? Because I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than be who you want me to be.
You told me that rebelling towards things right now is pointless because we have decent lives filled with education, food and shelter. You're correct about the last part, however, I'd rather get kicked for being a rebel than admit to being a follower.
This was probably longer than it should of been, but I guess this is just one of the million things I'll never tell you because I know you'll never understand. Someday, when I'm a drummer in a legendary band with my best friends you'll see how wrong you've always been.
Sincerely,
Eileen.
PS & FYI: "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." -Kurt Cobain.
Did you know that you tried to change me? You tried to make me into something I never want to be. You tried to convince me to swallow my pride. You tried to make me compromise everything I am for everything I'm not. You wanted me to put myself out there and talk to people, but for what? So other kids won't look at me differently? So that I'll thank you someday for "saving" my life? So that I'll be just like you? I don't remember the last time I felt so unsure. I don't remember the last time I felt so disenchanted. I don't remember the last time I felt so empty. I don't understand how you still have the ability to do this to me.
Did you know that it feels like you'll never believe in me? Whenever I express my hopes for the future all you're concerned about is whether or not I have a back up plan. I guess that means you care, but it's worse than a slap in the face when you tell me not to put everything into just one goal because you don't think I'll succeed. You taught how me to believe and yet the second I finally had faith in something you still weren't convinced.
Did you know how much it hurt when you changed? No, you don't and I know you never will. I can accept that, but I can barely look at you half the time. Do you know what it feels like to be traded in for something "better" ? No, you don't and I would rather die than put my friends through what I went through.
Well guess what? I refuse to let you turn me into a clone. I'd rather deal with the teasing of not belonging than deal with the pressures of trying to. Why can't you see that? If I don't blend in it's my choice. I'm not perfect, popular, beautiful or special, but I'm slowly learning to accept myself. After thinking about that long conversation we had it hit me; If I were to do everything you suggested that would mean I wouldn't be honest with myself or the people I love. I'm not willing to fit in just so I'll feel more secure or so that more people will like me. Most of the time I barely know who I am, although I definitely know what I'm not; I'm not you and I never will be.
I used to think you were the greatest person I've ever met, but I was wrong. It sickens me how you tried to change me even if you weren't doing it intentionally. I hate who are now for more reasons than I loved who you were. We have almost nothing in common now a days and I think we're better off that way. The next time you try to transform me into someone else, don't. Why? Because I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than be who you want me to be.
You told me that rebelling towards things right now is pointless because we have decent lives filled with education, food and shelter. You're correct about the last part, however, I'd rather get kicked for being a rebel than admit to being a follower.
This was probably longer than it should of been, but I guess this is just one of the million things I'll never tell you because I know you'll never understand. Someday, when I'm a drummer in a legendary band with my best friends you'll see how wrong you've always been.
Sincerely,
Eileen.
PS & FYI: "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." -Kurt Cobain.
Did you know how much it hurt when you changed? No, you don't and I know you never will. I can accept that, but I can barely look at you half the time. Do you know what it feels like to be traded in for something "better" ? No, you don't and I would rather die than put my friends through what I went through.
fckyeah.
some of my friends need to read this ._.
hollywood tragedy., September 3rd, 2008 at 02:53:41am
amazinggg.(:
Toybox Trash, September 3rd, 2008 at 01:48:41am
wow. Eileen this is amazing. I can really relate to this in many ways. *hugs*
We'll make it one day. I know we will. It's the biggest gut feeling I've ever had. < 3
Bubble Wrap., September 2nd, 2008 at 09:17:16pm
I love Kurt Cobain. And I believe in you. (cheesy, I know, but also true)
St. Mikey, September 2nd, 2008 at 07:16:11pm
You will be the drummer in a legendary band, I bet.
And I live by that quote.
the beatles., September 2nd, 2008 at 11:23:04am