Social Angst?
Monday morning, new week fresh start. You say to yourself you'll do it better this time round.
Its 8 in the morning and you stumble out the parentals car to the bus. Thak god its empty, you dont fancy being jeered at by 12 year old boys as you struggle to focus enough to get up the stairs to a seat. You settle on the corner of the backseat, cooling your face on the glass pane, looking round fugitivly waiting for someone to yell obscenities at you and claim the seat. Its ironic because infact no one has yelled obsecenities at you since 8 years ago, but you know what they say, be wary of extinict volcanoes. After what seems an age the bus finally starts up and begins to move forward, you relax and let out a sigh not relising how long you were holding your breath for. Thats the first part of the day over you think.
Think again. The moving vehicle screeches to a halt and you hear a clamour of voice from the stairwell, laughing, yelling, and a few yawns. Panic overtakes your body, your eyes feel like they're popping out as you grip on tighter to your ipod, hunching up on your seat trying to look incospicous. Of course it fails. On come the troop of boys and girls, each one of them seems to be looking in your direction as they settle down on a seat, or so it feels like it. Someone comes to open a window above your head, you wince and grit your teeth wondering when this ordeal will be over, when you can reach school to the sacturary of a place you know and people and friends you know, as opposed to this godforsaken bus which is mostly filled by kids from the other school.
A voice asks if you're ok, you look up to see the face of a guy a year above you peering at you, who the heck is he? What does he want, you question yourself urgently. Nodding quickly, you fix your best smile and hope he loses intrest, no such luck he's sat next to you. You're suddenly aware how large your legs look on the seat and how uncomfortably untoned your belly is. Turning up the music you hope to distract anyone from your insecurities, and deter them from trying to make conversation with you. At the next stop the guy's friends come on, and your safely forgotten. Some of them you recognise from when you were 14, will they recognise you too? They look but say nothing, you think you're being given the cold shoulder and focus out the window. No need to show you're aware what a loser you are. Of course at this moment in time you dont relise they're probably thinking you're giving them the cold shoulder too. Thats impossible right? They have everything, you have nothing. Thats it just act like you dont care, who wants to be part of their stinking conversation anyway, yet still you turn the music down. The conversation is about last night's X factor, you want to add your 2 pence worth but worried they might think you're trying to geg in, so you keep your mouth shut. Someone's staring at you, you can feel it. What is it?
You check the mental tick list. Mouth, brushed and flossed, maybe you missed something? Face, scrubbed twice over already, maybe there's still some crust in your eyes? You silently wish you had makeup on, something to fool them into thinking your skin's clear, you may not have spots and it maybe smooth, but you can't be good looking without makeup right? If only you didnt look like a twat with it on, sure that people would laugh at your pathetic attempt to look good. Maybe its your hair? Is the messy bun a bit naff? Or does it look nerdy? Does your neck look dirty? Maybe your clothes are wrinkled or out dated? Do you smell of last night's takeaway? Maybe you stepped in dog poo.
These questions are driving you crazy, you can feel a lump form in your throat and your eyes well up at the back. Must not cry, must not cry. Any sign of weakness will be taken to the headquaters. You see your stop looming up, is it time to make a move? Stealing a glance you see the gangway is blocked, people's bags and legs line the way. Damn. What now? 2 minutes left, but the bus is going round a corner, what if you fall on someone? What if people laugh and think your backside is huge? You could trip up in someone's bag strap, or drop your books. The world hates your right now, you're like a rabbit in headlights.
New plan, sit back nonchantly, wait for everyone else to clear the bus then get off, simple no has to watch you make a fool of yourself. Stories wont be spread of the gaint elephant with straw hair demolishing a busload of kids.
Sure enough your plans working, the bus moves on from your school to the next school, kids line up and begin to get off, You feel loniless well up inside you as even the people on the backseat get of without a bye or a look in your direction. Shaking your head angrily you wonder how one moment you hate people to talk to you, next minute you resent them for not talking to you. As the last one gets off, he turns to you and says "congrats". You stare confused at him. Then your relise he's pointing to your badge, House Captian and Senior Prefect.
Yes thats right, you're the captian of a team of some 200 students, lead them in matches against other schools, liase and socialise with everyone at school, yet you have social angst. You didnt even relise it til now. The irony is you know people with it, you never thought you'd become on of them. The worst bit you have no idea how this happened, since when you were scared of unfamiliar people. Uptil now you're only fears were tellitubies and hoovers, but people too?
You're in pieces and its only been half an hour into the day.
You need help.
Sorry for rambling on so long, I just needed a way to express myself and to make sense of the situation, advice would be appreciated. I've not had reason to be self concoius yet still I am, its no one's fault but my own.
Its 8 in the morning and you stumble out the parentals car to the bus. Thak god its empty, you dont fancy being jeered at by 12 year old boys as you struggle to focus enough to get up the stairs to a seat. You settle on the corner of the backseat, cooling your face on the glass pane, looking round fugitivly waiting for someone to yell obscenities at you and claim the seat. Its ironic because infact no one has yelled obsecenities at you since 8 years ago, but you know what they say, be wary of extinict volcanoes. After what seems an age the bus finally starts up and begins to move forward, you relax and let out a sigh not relising how long you were holding your breath for. Thats the first part of the day over you think.
Think again. The moving vehicle screeches to a halt and you hear a clamour of voice from the stairwell, laughing, yelling, and a few yawns. Panic overtakes your body, your eyes feel like they're popping out as you grip on tighter to your ipod, hunching up on your seat trying to look incospicous. Of course it fails. On come the troop of boys and girls, each one of them seems to be looking in your direction as they settle down on a seat, or so it feels like it. Someone comes to open a window above your head, you wince and grit your teeth wondering when this ordeal will be over, when you can reach school to the sacturary of a place you know and people and friends you know, as opposed to this godforsaken bus which is mostly filled by kids from the other school.
A voice asks if you're ok, you look up to see the face of a guy a year above you peering at you, who the heck is he? What does he want, you question yourself urgently. Nodding quickly, you fix your best smile and hope he loses intrest, no such luck he's sat next to you. You're suddenly aware how large your legs look on the seat and how uncomfortably untoned your belly is. Turning up the music you hope to distract anyone from your insecurities, and deter them from trying to make conversation with you. At the next stop the guy's friends come on, and your safely forgotten. Some of them you recognise from when you were 14, will they recognise you too? They look but say nothing, you think you're being given the cold shoulder and focus out the window. No need to show you're aware what a loser you are. Of course at this moment in time you dont relise they're probably thinking you're giving them the cold shoulder too. Thats impossible right? They have everything, you have nothing. Thats it just act like you dont care, who wants to be part of their stinking conversation anyway, yet still you turn the music down. The conversation is about last night's X factor, you want to add your 2 pence worth but worried they might think you're trying to geg in, so you keep your mouth shut. Someone's staring at you, you can feel it. What is it?
You check the mental tick list. Mouth, brushed and flossed, maybe you missed something? Face, scrubbed twice over already, maybe there's still some crust in your eyes? You silently wish you had makeup on, something to fool them into thinking your skin's clear, you may not have spots and it maybe smooth, but you can't be good looking without makeup right? If only you didnt look like a twat with it on, sure that people would laugh at your pathetic attempt to look good. Maybe its your hair? Is the messy bun a bit naff? Or does it look nerdy? Does your neck look dirty? Maybe your clothes are wrinkled or out dated? Do you smell of last night's takeaway? Maybe you stepped in dog poo.
These questions are driving you crazy, you can feel a lump form in your throat and your eyes well up at the back. Must not cry, must not cry. Any sign of weakness will be taken to the headquaters. You see your stop looming up, is it time to make a move? Stealing a glance you see the gangway is blocked, people's bags and legs line the way. Damn. What now? 2 minutes left, but the bus is going round a corner, what if you fall on someone? What if people laugh and think your backside is huge? You could trip up in someone's bag strap, or drop your books. The world hates your right now, you're like a rabbit in headlights.
New plan, sit back nonchantly, wait for everyone else to clear the bus then get off, simple no has to watch you make a fool of yourself. Stories wont be spread of the gaint elephant with straw hair demolishing a busload of kids.
Sure enough your plans working, the bus moves on from your school to the next school, kids line up and begin to get off, You feel loniless well up inside you as even the people on the backseat get of without a bye or a look in your direction. Shaking your head angrily you wonder how one moment you hate people to talk to you, next minute you resent them for not talking to you. As the last one gets off, he turns to you and says "congrats". You stare confused at him. Then your relise he's pointing to your badge, House Captian and Senior Prefect.
Yes thats right, you're the captian of a team of some 200 students, lead them in matches against other schools, liase and socialise with everyone at school, yet you have social angst. You didnt even relise it til now. The irony is you know people with it, you never thought you'd become on of them. The worst bit you have no idea how this happened, since when you were scared of unfamiliar people. Uptil now you're only fears were tellitubies and hoovers, but people too?
You're in pieces and its only been half an hour into the day.
You need help.
Sorry for rambling on so long, I just needed a way to express myself and to make sense of the situation, advice would be appreciated. I've not had reason to be self concoius yet still I am, its no one's fault but my own.
Well written. Badly understood. (By me.) I have no advice, other than to seek advice.
I know, bundles of help, huh?
*I realize this is an old blog, but I still enjoyed reading it.
nimrod1insomniac, January 1st, 2009 at 06:38:30pm
Thanks joe and i know you're the one that gave me a word to put to the emotion.
Yeah exactly Dean, tbh its just unnesscary having a darn school bus that isnt even for your school. Our school is loathed by other schools in the same area so heads up for rotten apples and footballs aimed your way.
Its kinda like clastrophobia but a whole lot worse cos you cant run away from people. It frustrates me because there is no logical explanation behind it. I have no excuse, I havent been bullied since primary school, i've never been the object of the daily gossip or joke, well not more times then the regualr teenager is subject to go through life anyway, i cant turn round and say oh hey i had a traumatic experince that makes me a people fearer. ffs i want to be a doctor and im pretty much in tears if a stranger says hello to me.
Bubble wrap, what is your name? you've commented one of my blogs before and you seem like a person who i can relate to a lot.
Thanks saz ilytoo hun, and yah this is the only way I can write, in 2nd person, in order to express my feelings.
paper heart., September 10th, 2008 at 12:15:31pm
I can relate to every feeling you described. I love the way you write. This blog is really good, it makes perfect sense and there's no need to be sorry about it. I'm just sad about the topic and how it relates to you. ):
i love you kimmy wimmmmyyyyy. <3
serenade sarahh, September 9th, 2008 at 04:55:09pm
wow, I know how the feels. maybe not with the whole bus situation...but yeah. I know how it feels =\
well written.
Bubble Wrap., September 9th, 2008 at 04:51:56pm
Nice blog. This is what I tend to do on the bus, except it's out of choice. The people on my bus are total wankers so I tend to sit by myself with my music on as loudly as possible, luckily this tends to mean that I get to have some hot looking punk chick sitting next to me with her music on too, which is kinda cool. But yeah couldn't help but notice the similarites of how we view a bus trip.
Mareh, September 9th, 2008 at 09:46:59am
Good blog Kim. Kinda' recognize this situation.
Mr. Teatime, September 9th, 2008 at 03:55:19am