forever means forever

hi there, i'm that chick who's sad enough to write john and edward fanfic. i've only ever had experience of this when my auntie had it and i was only 6 then, so if any of the content is blatantly wrong or causes offence, please tell me and i'll remove it as soon as you tell me. i'd hate to offend anyone with misinformation or simply because it's a death!fic, so i'm sorry in advance honey bunnies <3

forever means forever
leave us in pieces scattered everywhere

They were fifteen when it all started. In the middle of puberty, old enough to know what blowjobs were but not old enough to have tried it.

John began bruising easily and forgetting how he could have gotten them. He came back from running black and blue and he was certain there was no way he could have bruised. John and Edward weren't as stupid as they made out; the twins knew this was serious, even without having the scan first, and their bones hurt with fear. John and Edward talked about it. It was, after all, a hard subject to avoid when it plagued so heavily on their minds and affected thousands of other families daily. It was rarely about how they would 'go' but rather how they'd feel. How utterly lost they'd be.

'I don’t know what I’d do,' Edward said and his eyes filled with tears at the mere thought.

John clasped his hand over Edward’s. 'Neither do I because I’ll be here forever. So let's not think about it right now.'

They were fifteen and 3 months when they were told what was wrong. A possible case of leukemia they said. Could be stopped now with chemotherapy they said. Edward heard leukemia and his whole body stopped. His heart stopped beating and he stopped breathing. Everything just came to a halt and when John's hand searched for his, he snapped back into life and realized his twin needed him.

'Leukaemia huh.' Edward said mirthlessly. 'Trust you John.'

John sniggered a little but it wasn’t funny. I’m sorry.'

'Don’t you dare be sorry John, don't you dare,' he said and tears start to run down his face. John wrapped his arms around Edward and they cried together.

The twins had only ever encountered leukemia on Casualty and when Nanny Grimes’ neighbour died from it. They never expected anyone close, least of all their twin, to ever be struck down by it and that's why it came as such a shock. When the chemotherapy finally began, and John got noticeably weaker and his hair fell out in huge blonde clumps that chilled them both to the bone, Edward shaved his own off so they would match just as they always had done.

'Am I going to die?' John asked the doctor one day and the look on his face said it all. 'Is this chemo going to kill me?'

'No. It feels like it now but that's just the stuff getting rid of the bad stuff.' Edward answered for them and John chose to believe his twin.

'Good. You’re not getting rid of me so quick,'

It literally progressed so fast that Edward didn’t know what to do. He tried desperately to cling to time and take it back to when John was healthy and everything was good, but it slipped through his fingers. He was dying inside. To watch his twin, his beautiful gorgeous twin who was the strongest person he knew, deteriorate into someone he didn’t know anymore was killing him because he was okay. He could still run with the club. He could still talk without being out of breath; he wasn’t all cut up. He was healthy and that's what killed him the most - Edward could do nothing for the boy who did everything for him.

'We’ve found that your body is entering renal failure and we're trying our best to find a donor. But we will have to wait for a match before we operate.' the doctors had told them solemnly.

'I’ll do it.' Edward said immediately. 'I must be a match, I am John but with a different name and a less pointy ear, take my renal or whatever it is,'

The doctor chuckled uneasily. 'Renal failure involves your kidneys Mr Grimes. If you were to donate your kidney, you would have to be careful for the rest of your life. There are many complications.'

'I don’t care, take it.'

And so Edward was tested. His kidney, unsurprisingly, was a perfect match and he was operated on as soon as a theatre was free. When he woke from surgery and found himself lying in a bed parallel to John's, he felt so much happier knowing that he'd done something rather than just sitting back.

John came around not long after Edward when the nurse administered the anti-rejection drugs. He smiled, lips dry and cracked, and lifted his hospital gown. 'Matching scars,' he croaked.

'Deadly,' Edward said drowsily and they gave into weak laughter.

The kidney pushed John over into remission. The leukemia stayed at bay for a while and Edward found his twin for the first time in nearly a year. He was allowed out of hospital, only going back for check-ups at the oncology unit, and life slid back into normal. John wasn’t allowed to go running yet and he still had to mind how he bumped himself but that was okay.

'I can’t believe you survived cancer, that's, like, the coolest thing you've ever done.'Edward told his brother on the ride home.

John looked pleased with himself. 'I told you that you weren’t getting rid of me so easily.' he teased. Lifting up his t-shirt, he pressed his scar close to Edward’s and he swore he felt it tingle.

The remission ended a few months later. The cancer began to overthrow the new kidney and John’s body gave up the ghost.

'I’m sorry little brother,' John whispered the night that the doctor predicted ‘it’ would happen. He ran his fingers over Edward’s face, softly following every curve, as if trying to memorise every inch. He found his brother’s free hand and gripped it tightly. 'I’m sorry I promised forever.'

'I told you when this started, don't ever be sorry,' Edward replied quietly. His tears dripped onto John's fingers and he wiped them away shakily.

'You know this isn’t the end right Edward? I’ll be waiting wherever you want me to wait, I promise,' rasped John. He didn’t have the breath or the strength to speak.

Edward found he couldn't breathe himself. This was happening far too quickly, far far too quickly, and his head span because he knew that he couldn’t deal with this. His twin was everything. The one who was the obvious bad influence, the one who used all the shower gel up, and the one who Edward’s world revolved purely around. John was meant to teach him stuff (because he was obviously the most intelligent one) and they were meant to live together forever because no-one was ever good enough for their twin, and Edward told John this too. He let his head drop onto his pillow and his eyes slid shut, a ghost of a smile on his lips.

'Forever means forever John,' Edward whimpered. 'Please be waiting.'

John’s grip loosened and Edward’s world just stopped.
fin.
thanks for reading