My Father's insecurities with his daughter and her boyfriend.
I get this all the time, people telling me, "he's just being protective because you are his daughter". Fair enough, i can accept that, and i am no way in his position or ever will be, however, when you have been in a relationship with a boy (let's call him Jack for now) that you are completely in love with for two and a half years, perhaps my father needs to....i don't know, lighten up? Or perhaps harden up?
You see, my father has no problem against Jack, in fact, my father has been doing his best at hardly conversing with him...he doesn't know anything about him. He doesn't know how long we have been going out for, his full name, where he lives or what he does...hell, the first thing that my father asked about him was, "is he like us, Italian?"
And its not as though Jack hasn't tried to talk to him, or get along, because he has. And we are finding out that this is going to be evident in our relationship for a long time, so we accept it, and have pushed my father out of the picture, and figured that he doesn't want to care, so neither should we.
And I never lie about where i go, what i do, or who i see. Never. And my father always has his doubts about this, and says rather mean things to me, like once, i recall him saying something along the lines as i headed out the door to go into the city, "if you do something you're not supposed to, ill give your life hell"....huh? wah? Clearly, he doesn't have that trust in me, which, i was unaware that i broke somewhere along the lines...
My mum on the other hand, she loves Jack, and always comments on how he is such a nice boy, smart, clean and all of the rigmarole, so she is fine whenever i go to his house or any place with him, but my father on the other hand, he gets really annoyed, and makes me feel guilty anytime i grab my bag and let him know, "hey dad, im going over to Jack's, ill be home after dinner". Ive been with this boy for so long now, and he tries to make me feel bad for seeing him? Huh?
I don't see my father's forced guilt onto me stopping at any time, or his views ever changing, and i finally adapted to not, how do you say, "giving a shit" anymore. His guilt no longer affected me, and even though it took me a while, he no longer makes me feel upset or angry.
However it has gotten to that point of my relationship with Jack that we're having great ideas of traveling...however, traveling for myself is quite difficult when my father throws a tantrum when i sleep over a friends house...let alone go somewhere far away....with my boyfriend....for a couple of nights...with no 'parental supervision'...
So what did i do? I planned a weekend away with Jack to a place a couple hours south. I told my dad where i was planning to go, and that it was just Jack and I. Throughout this whole thing, my mum has been very supportive, and she is quite fine for me to go because she knows Jack, and she likes him and trusts his judgments and ideas. However, my father doesn't even know him.
So when my dad started throwing a tantrum, what did i say? I basically told him that it was his fault for not getting to know him, and that his insecurities are his own fault. Also that being out of high school, and actually being in such a long relationship, we should be able to spend time with each other outside the home, away from watching movies all night....its been done before so much, and we want to do something more.
My dad reacted badly and hurt my feelings. I'm going away with jack on the 16th, and i am going with full confidence and happiness.I typed this out because i wanted to know what your suggestions are. Am i being stuck up? Should i listen to my dad? Am i being rude?
I don't know. Its been annoying me for some time, so i though i would throw this one at GSB for some help. What do you think of the situation that im in?
You see, my father has no problem against Jack, in fact, my father has been doing his best at hardly conversing with him...he doesn't know anything about him. He doesn't know how long we have been going out for, his full name, where he lives or what he does...hell, the first thing that my father asked about him was, "is he like us, Italian?"
And its not as though Jack hasn't tried to talk to him, or get along, because he has. And we are finding out that this is going to be evident in our relationship for a long time, so we accept it, and have pushed my father out of the picture, and figured that he doesn't want to care, so neither should we.
And I never lie about where i go, what i do, or who i see. Never. And my father always has his doubts about this, and says rather mean things to me, like once, i recall him saying something along the lines as i headed out the door to go into the city, "if you do something you're not supposed to, ill give your life hell"....huh? wah? Clearly, he doesn't have that trust in me, which, i was unaware that i broke somewhere along the lines...
My mum on the other hand, she loves Jack, and always comments on how he is such a nice boy, smart, clean and all of the rigmarole, so she is fine whenever i go to his house or any place with him, but my father on the other hand, he gets really annoyed, and makes me feel guilty anytime i grab my bag and let him know, "hey dad, im going over to Jack's, ill be home after dinner". Ive been with this boy for so long now, and he tries to make me feel bad for seeing him? Huh?
I don't see my father's forced guilt onto me stopping at any time, or his views ever changing, and i finally adapted to not, how do you say, "giving a shit" anymore. His guilt no longer affected me, and even though it took me a while, he no longer makes me feel upset or angry.
However it has gotten to that point of my relationship with Jack that we're having great ideas of traveling...however, traveling for myself is quite difficult when my father throws a tantrum when i sleep over a friends house...let alone go somewhere far away....with my boyfriend....for a couple of nights...with no 'parental supervision'...
So what did i do? I planned a weekend away with Jack to a place a couple hours south. I told my dad where i was planning to go, and that it was just Jack and I. Throughout this whole thing, my mum has been very supportive, and she is quite fine for me to go because she knows Jack, and she likes him and trusts his judgments and ideas. However, my father doesn't even know him.
So when my dad started throwing a tantrum, what did i say? I basically told him that it was his fault for not getting to know him, and that his insecurities are his own fault. Also that being out of high school, and actually being in such a long relationship, we should be able to spend time with each other outside the home, away from watching movies all night....its been done before so much, and we want to do something more.
My dad reacted badly and hurt my feelings. I'm going away with jack on the 16th, and i am going with full confidence and happiness.I typed this out because i wanted to know what your suggestions are. Am i being stuck up? Should i listen to my dad? Am i being rude?
I don't know. Its been annoying me for some time, so i though i would throw this one at GSB for some help. What do you think of the situation that im in?
Thanks Black Rose, i think i will ; )
Vegemite, September 13th, 2010 at 03:47:47am
As you said, its your father's fault for not getting to know Jack. You have done nothing wrong. Your not lying to him about where your going or your going with. He should be greatful about that. You are definately NOT being stuck up. Your feelings about this are completely normal. You make a good point when you say that your out of high school and should be able to spend more time with Jack, you have the time for that now so it's natural that you want to spend more time with him. And I agree when you say that you should be able to spend time with outside home, without watching movies all night. Try not to let this get to you, it's not your fault your father's acting this way. You've been with Jack for 2 and a half years, I think your father would be past the overprotective stage by now. It's his own fault for not getting to know Jack so just keep your chin up, everything will be alright. And have a fun trip :)
Lestats Black Rose, September 12th, 2010 at 09:11:23pm
omg that's bad I'm sorry I hope he pays attention and begins to understand.
Shoelace-Necktie, September 12th, 2010 at 11:01:40am
No, i think what you're getting at helps. If he does start going off irrationally, i will be firm, patient, and tell him that he really needs to pay attention to me, as sincerely as i can.
I mean, he doesn't really have any choice, because its what i want to be doing.
He even mentioned that if i do go, he would kick me out of the house -_-
Vegemite, September 12th, 2010 at 10:11:55am
well if he starts being mean and not really listening just get firm not like shouting or anything and tell him he really needs to pay attention to what you have to say and that if he cares he needs to be quiet and actually try and comunicate not just get pissed at you because that's not getting either one of you anywhere..I hope I'm not giving terrible advice but that's what I would do good luck *hugs*
Shoelace-Necktie, September 12th, 2010 at 07:37:42am
I find it hard to talk to my dad about feelings and what not because of his poor communication skills. He doesn't really talk rationally unless he WANTS to. So, i have to find him in a mood that he is okay to talk with, and perhaps find a time where he is actually willing to listen.
I should do that within the week, because this trip is happening in a few days....
Vegemite, September 12th, 2010 at 02:40:42am
Seems like your dad's a bit in denial that your, well, grown up. I think you just need to sit down with him, and if he reacts badly, then tell him flat out that he has no say in it. Or, since your mom is supportive, ask her to talk to him. He's eventually going to learn that you two are happy and that that's all that should matter to him. (:
Jello Biafra., September 11th, 2010 at 12:43:34pm
I think your dad is just trying to protect you from getting hurt, and that's normal for a father to do that...but I think you should keep trying to talk to your dad about your feelings.
dumbstruck., September 11th, 2010 at 05:44:36am
Well you've been dating Jack two and a half years so a trip alone with him shouldn't be a problem to me.I mean you love him and your mom doesn't mind.Now I know alot of dads are very protective and they should be.But in my mind they normally try and talk to your boyfreind and to you about him to find out if he's a creep or not.The only thing I can say is mabey try and tell your dad that you love Jack and that it hurts your feeling when he says some things.Try and explain that you love your dad and want him to be a part of your life and that Jack is now a part of that.Now keep in mind I have no bf or father figure.Hope this helps and things work out.Have fun on the trip :)
Shoelace-Necktie, September 10th, 2010 at 11:05:16am