Let Me Sleep, My Sensitive Heart Can't Breathe...

AuthorMessage
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Peter Petrelli
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161
May 3rd, 2006 at 11:00am
This isn't about me, I'm writing from the perspective of a character in a story I'm writing. I'm not too sure about it, to tell the truth, but I want to know what you guys think. Very Happy

Panic attack. It all starts with harsh strangulation
between my breasts; now I'm all 'cough-cough-cough'
and can't suck the dirty atmosphere into my dismal
It always seems to be the creative, sensitive hearts

that are ensnared by lung dysfunction... the ones
that can't cope without a shot of heavy metal beats
and lyrical adrenaline. Blue's always been my
favourite colour. So complimentary to his deep,

darling brown eyes. His sweetheart kisses paint
a more comforting rhyme than the contaminated
air pricking at my chest. Scared. Really scared
now. He's gently dabbing at the streaming tears

staining my sickly cheeks; cradling me in his
frantic arms; patting my tight, chokingly tense
shoulders... he's the only one who hasn't faded
under the hostile environment of my dusty respiration.

My baby sweetheart; cascading medication butterflies
onto my allergy ridden chest and soothing my asthma
induced delirium. I'm sunken deep into the quiet
bliss of unity... cocooned against adoration and

the nurturing habitat of my creased bed sheets. It's
what's under the skin that counts... it's just a pity
that below my skin lies a pair of timid, stillborn
lungs and suffocating oxygen. Sleep... to sleep...
killing loneliness
Idiot
killing loneliness
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 572
May 3rd, 2006 at 11:07am
interesting...and i did read your story...it's different, and i love it...
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Peter Petrelli
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161
May 3rd, 2006 at 11:08am
No, it's not for that story. It's for something else.
Inari
King For A Couple Of Days
Inari
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2538
May 3rd, 2006 at 11:09am
Beautiful.
snowcherry
King For A Couple Of Days
snowcherry
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 3912
May 3rd, 2006 at 11:11am
It was beautiful,
except for this bit:

now I'm all 'cough-cough-cough'

I dunno, I just didn't like that bit..
But I love everything else.


Aaaaaand: I looove the title. Very Happy
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
What's in a name?
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451

Mibba
May 3rd, 2006 at 12:28pm
snowcherry:
It was beautiful,
except for this bit:

now I'm all 'cough-cough-cough'

I dunno, I just didn't like that bit..
But I love everything else.


Aaaaaand: I looove the title. Very Happy

Ditto Cool
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Peter Petrelli
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161
May 3rd, 2006 at 01:08pm
That's okay. Thank you for your honesty Very Happy
I have to say though, it one my favourite parts, even though it isn't particularly poetic or dressed up.
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921

Mibba
May 3rd, 2006 at 03:16pm
I really like the 'cough-cough-cough' thing. It kinda caught me or something. Think
That was really awesome. I thought it summed up a panic attack really well, too, and it's quite hard to do that, especially if you've never experienced one.
killing loneliness
Idiot
killing loneliness
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 572
May 3rd, 2006 at 03:39pm
oh..ok thenSmile but i still like it
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Peter Petrelli
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161
May 3rd, 2006 at 03:58pm
[Flawless Error]:
I really like the 'cough-cough-cough' thing. It kinda caught me or something. Think
That was really awesome. I thought it summed up a panic attack really well, too, and it's quite hard to do that, especially if you've never experienced one.


Very Happy *huggles you* I've never experienced a panic attack, but I've come pretty close. And I used to have asthma when I was little. So that helped, a little. I just tried to think how it would actually feel to have an asthma attack, because I was too young to remember properly.
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921

Mibba
May 3rd, 2006 at 04:17pm
Oh! I figured out what I wanted to say about the 'cough-cough-cough'! I think it gives a child-like, insecure feeling to the narrator, which brings out a lot of the feeling in the poem. I say definitely keep it. And I couldn't resist saying, panic attacks suck. =D
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Peter Petrelli
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161
May 3rd, 2006 at 04:19pm
Yes! That's just what I was going for! *dives on you*
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