| Author | Message |
|---|
imtwasidwelya
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 357 | May 22nd, 2006 at 11:12am Foreign disaster
right at home build up trenches
in your bedroom girl
and don't let them near
when they reach that door shout for
war and kick them out
your room is your turf
don't let the nightmares get in
and if they come again
start throwing things at them |
Inari
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2538 | May 22nd, 2006 at 12:27pm I like that. |
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451
 | May 22nd, 2006 at 12:34pm That’s ok. Some lines are good others are right down bad. |
imtwasidwelya
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 357 | May 22nd, 2006 at 12:39pm What's in a name?:That’s ok. Some lines are good others are right down bad. What lines did you like and what lines did you not like? |
imtwasidwelya
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 357 | May 22nd, 2006 at 12:39pm Inari:I like that. What did you like about it? |
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451
| May 22nd, 2006 at 12:50pm imtwasidwelya:Foreign disaster
right at home build up trenches
in your bedroom girl
and don't let them near
when they reach that door shout for
war and kick them out
your room is your turf
don't let the nightmares get in
and if they come again
start throwing things at them
Sorry, I should have said it right away.
I like the blue parts. The others seem blunt and/or unpoetic.
This is an example of (what I think of as) an improvement.
Foreign disaster right at home.
So build up trenches
in your bedroom, girl
and don't let them come near.
When footsteps draw close,
when shadows fall upon your door,
shout for war and kick them out.
Defend your territory, girl.
Don't let the nightmares get in.
And if ever they do return,
throw all your anxiety mixed anger at them.
No mercy, girl.
No mercy. |
imtwasidwelya
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 357 | May 22nd, 2006 at 05:52pm What's in a name?:
This is an example of (what I think of as) an improvement.
Foreign disaster right at home.
So build up trenches
in your bedroom, girl
and don't let them come near.
When footsteps draw close,
when shadows fall upon your door,
shout for war and kick them out.
Defend your territory, girl.
Don't let the nightmares get in.
And if ever they do return,
throw all your anxiety mixed anger at them.
No mercy, girl.
No mercy.
I like all of that except for the "No mercy, girl.
No mercy." part. I would just leave that off of it.
What would you think of my poem if I erased everything except for the blue parts? |
imtwasidwelya
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 357 | May 22nd, 2006 at 06:09pm How is this?
Foreign disaster
right at home build up trenches
in your bedroom girl
and don't let them near
when they reach that door shout for
war and kick them out
your room is your turf
don't let the nightmares get in
got your hardhat on
and you are so tough
beat them at thier own game
till they say enough
Foreign disaster
right at home do not give in
and leave them to moan |
Skullivan.[Im Not Okay]
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 225 | May 23rd, 2006 at 02:12am is it a poem about setting boundries? coz if it is is good! i liked it! especially(sp?) the way you campared it to war. |
Skullivan.[Im Not Okay]
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 225 | May 23rd, 2006 at 02:13am i meant compared. oops  |
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451
| May 23rd, 2006 at 05:48am imtwasidwelya:How is this?
Foreign disaster
right at home build up trenches
in your bedroom girl
and don't let them near
when they reach that door shout for
war and kick them out
your room is your turf
don't let the nightmares get in
got your hardhat on
and you are so tough
beat them at thier own game
till they say enough
Foreign disaster
right at home do not give in
and leave them to moan
Sorry to say, it's not better.
I do think you should replace the blue parts (like I did in the example).
Also you need to change the structure because it doesn't flow the way it is now.
And about that "No mercy" part. It needed a distinct end and it wouldn't have had one without those two lines. |
