Kyna
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 435 | May 27th, 2006 at 07:12pm Dragon wings soar high above
spitting fire like a glove
to cover houses everywhere
for a reason without care.
Devil's laughter rings a bell,
an angel gets new flight in burning hell...
stripped of its glory
its beauty destroyed
because of one
who is annoyed.
It is not my choice that this should be.
I'd rather forgiveness
and to be set free. |
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921
 | May 27th, 2006 at 07:38pm It would have been a lot better had you chosen to do a free verse. Forced rhymes = not good.
[offtopic] Your post count is RIDICULOUS for the amount of time you've been registered here. Seriously.  [/offtopic] |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | May 28th, 2006 at 06:03am Yeah, it seemed far too forced, and choppy. Didn't flow too well.
But... it did seem to have a good idea behind it, so I agree with [Flawless Error] - you might be better at free verse. |
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451
| May 28th, 2006 at 06:57am ^I agree. I really like the idea though and you do have a good way with words.
It’s just the structure really. |
whersermind
Geek
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 165
| May 30th, 2006 at 12:14am indeed, what they said. |
Baguelle
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 2727 | May 30th, 2006 at 04:19am The rhymes seemed really forced.
Especially in this line:
"Dragon wings soar high above
spitting fire like a glove"
Spitting fire like a glove? Um...alrighty then. |
