Band Geek
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 134 | May 30th, 2006 at 03:27am This is just something I wrote absentmindedly yesterday, so I'm not quite sure about the flow...
Bright white flowers
On dark red grass
Under blue sky,
And bones forgot.
Tears that are shed
Enrich the earth.
And brothers gone
To early graves.
Raining black rain
Over death fields,
Poppies pushed through
And life forgot
Last dances lost
Amongst war land,
And lovers gone
To lonely graves
Silent wind blows
Through empty fields
The land has broke
And souls as well
Songs that are sung
To save the dead
And best friends gone
To silent graves. |
Baguelle
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 2727 | May 30th, 2006 at 04:15am It started out good, and then it just seemed to go down hill. I think it's because You seemed to put all of you ideas and energy into the first few lines and then just thought up whatever for the rest. I also didn't like how you kept using "forgot" and "graves" here and there, as if you couldn't come up with different words. I think that also has to do with the first thing I said, though.
Anyway, keep working and keep posting. I'd like to see how you do. |
Inari
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 2538 | May 30th, 2006 at 07:33am That's pretty cool.
I like that. |
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921
 | May 30th, 2006 at 02:58pm Basket*Case:It started out good, and then it just seemed to go down hill. I think it's because You seemed to put all of you ideas and energy into the first few lines and then just thought up whatever for the rest. I also didn't like how you kept using "forgot" and "graves" here and there, as if you couldn't come up with different words. I think that also has to do with the first thing I said, though.
Anyway, keep working and keep posting. I'd like to see how you do. Could not have said it better myself.  |
Garrett Hanlund
This Board Is My Home
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 30801
 | May 30th, 2006 at 03:00pm Basket*Case:It started out good, and then it just seemed to go down hill. I think it's because You seemed to put all of you ideas and energy into the first few lines and then just thought up whatever for the rest. I also didn't like how you kept using "forgot" and "graves" here and there, as if you couldn't come up with different words. I think that also has to do with the first thing I said, though.
Anyway, keep working and keep posting. I'd like to see how you do. Yes, but I like the repetition of "lonely graves". That's just me. =/ I like it, keep working. |
love.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 2844 | June 1st, 2006 at 06:23pm good. i like it  |
