song: heartbrake

A thought in my mind brusted out to me
I have to tell you it happen like a nightmare
well this isnt the first time
But it sure drive me mad
There's a girl living in darkness waiting to be found
under a ground she creates
She crys everynight looking at a sky with no star
Cause their all trapped underground waiting to be free
Cause her mind is fogged up
and cant see the people who wants to help her up
She keeps herself down all cause of you
She's waiting for you to come back
But you soul is somewhere else
The only thing she have left of you is your heart
in her hand left with blood on her hand
Holding on till you can't breathe
o well you belong to someone else now..
maybe we can be friends with benefits
But you gave me a fit
o well there's no need to be pitiful for a bitch like me.

ok i took yall advice and came up w/ this one so tell me is this how poetry/song suppose to be

It was a step up from before, but "cause" is not the same as "because" Good job...

Didn't flow too well. And words like 'till' and 'cause' aren't actual English.

But it's much better than before.

But it lacks form.

I like the 'causeseseses. It makes it more individual. Creates personality.

thanx yall ppl r awesome i wouldnt have my step up w/ out yall

Ow....It's pretty good!!!!!!!

razzledgirl:

its good, its just kinda confusing and it needs more hard words with more power in them..

What's with you and the words lately?

Anyway, I have to agree with Ellen [international_idiot] on this one. But it is indeed much better than before. Good job.