Kyna
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 435 | June 3rd, 2006 at 02:03am Sweet and sorrowful this life has become,
I have forgotten how to share the joy
all because I don't belong.
I am not allowed to love you
just because I don't belong.
Where I am not wanted, where
there is no trust... I don't belong.
Like little drops of hardened candy
with sour specks am I.
I don't belong mixed up with the pure
sweetness that you are.
That is how the candy factory looks at
who I am. The bitter sweetness that is me
establishes what I am.
----------------------
revision:
Sweet and sorrowful this life has become,
I have forgotten how to share the joy
all because I am not allowed to love you.
Like little drops of hardened candy
with sour specks am I.
I don't belong mixed up with the pure
sweetness that you are.
That is how the candy factory looks at
who I am. The bitter sweetness that is me
establishes what I am. |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | June 3rd, 2006 at 05:51am I really liked it. It was really vivid, and had some brilliant imagery.
Buuuut... you used the phrase 'I don't belong' far too much, it sounded very repetitive.
But that can be fixed  |
Matty.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 3945 | June 3rd, 2006 at 05:56am can be fixed a little but theres not much to criticise, its an awesome poem |
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921
 | June 3rd, 2006 at 11:11am international_idiot:I really liked it. It was really vivid, and had some brilliant imagery.
Buuuut... you used the phrase 'I don't belong' far too much, it sounded very repetitive.
But that can be fixed Mmhm. Yup yup. =D |
snowcherry
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 3912 | June 3rd, 2006 at 01:48pm I liked it, it was pretty good. |
Kyna
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 435 | June 4th, 2006 at 01:41am Thank you for your input. I have revised the poem at the bottom of the original. I agree I used one phrase way too many times. There was also something else that needed removal. |
Skullivan.[Im Not Okay]
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 225 | June 4th, 2006 at 07:11am i really loved it! really deep. |
