Love

while our hearts melt together,
our love will last forever.
show me the way, lead me,
to the land we'll be free.
lead me to this place,
where the ground feels like lace.

i'm following you now,
where they supposedly allow,
people like you and me,
to live peaceful and happy.
so, here we go,
now you begin to slow.

the mood of the day changes,
as the sky rearranges.
for us to follow the star,
it was like a door ajar.
we walked right through,
until the feeling flew.

for then, we were lost,
as we walked on, his lips began to frost.
for when we kissed,
i thought, i missed,
that same old feeling,
that had no ceiling.

and no end anywhere,
for a rose grew over there,
just for me he picked it,
until it wilted into a grotesque bit.
until one day, when the moon was full,
it was as hot as burning coal.

for that day was teeming with heat,
the cool breeze sure was a treat.
only 'til this day,
that feeling lay.
it didn't even bend,
for it was the end...........

The forced rhyme makes it feel like a nursery rhyme and because of it I had trouble trying to pay attention to the actual words you were using. Just a suggestion, but maybe try freeverse sometime?

its good but Hardcore Panda!! 1 is right u tried to ryhme a little 2 much........u know what im saying?
other then that it was good i got the message XD

It's called a rhyme scheme, I liked it, I just think a different word choice would have added to it. There is more than free verse poetry, so rhyme is ok. Just a suggestion, typically poems with good rhyme also have a similar sentence structute. ALso, you could try

A
b
A
b
instead of using
A
A
B
B

but whatever you like to write is ok, but it seems amautish when you use "aa" alot.

I'm not saying your comment was directed at me when you said there was more than freeverse poetry, but I shall comment anyway. XD

I recommend freeverse usually because people seem to struggle with pulling off a rhyme scheme so that it sounds good and not annoying. If she had maybe kept a certain amount of syllables in each line it may have sounded great. I just noted that it didn't and suggested something else.

Again, I'm definitely not arguing with you, just making sure that the poet understands I'm not a freeverse whore. o_O If that made any sense.

Hardcore Panda!!1:

I'm not saying your comment was directed at me when you said there was more than freeverse poetry, but I shall comment anyway. XD

I recommend freeverse usually because people seem to struggle with pulling off a rhyme scheme so that it sounds good and not annoying. If she had maybe kept a certain amount of syllables in each line it may have sounded great. I just noted that it didn't and suggested something else.

Again, I'm definitely not arguing with you, just making sure that the poet understands I'm not a freeverse whore. o_O If that made any sense.

I agree, freestyle is easier to write, but if she likes rhyme scheme, she has to practice to get better,


Personally, I like sonnets, but Mine suck, so i never post them, but I keep writting to get better.

thanks for the comments, ya i do know that i kinda used the rhyming thing in an annoying way, sorry, but still, thanks for the complements...

its ok

yeah it could use a little bit more time, but for right now its pretty good

I really liked something about it, what you tried to say, the idea of .. the forced rhyme kinda took that away
Keep Writing!

its okay some parts i liked some i didnt........

Ya i agree with everyone else! You should try free verse

i do like free verse and i do seem better at it...thanks