Pain (renewed)

*OKay I took i_worship_tre_cool's advice and decided to change the poem cuz cutting urself is seen on here 2 much*

My mind races
My breath shortens
It gets darker and darker
I close my eyes
Tears falling down my cheeks
Whispers all around
Rumors growing
People stare
They point and laugh
They make fun of me for being me
Cuz I don't fit in
Gives them a good enough reason
To torture me
To make fun of me
To laugh at me
Just because I'm different

*How was that? Better or worse?*

Well, it's better than Cutting. I typically don't give people this advice, because they take it the wrong way and go in the wrong direction, but language is everything.
Just because I'm different
Thats such a mezmerizing sentence, said in a dull way. Think of all the ways you could have said that.

To torture me
To make fun of me
You could have said something else there as well.

Ridiculed by the 'norm'
who mock my very existance

I'm Humilated just once more
the daily gossip again, no surprise

Do you see? It's all about being different and developing a style. I think you have a story line down now, trying rewording certain parts to get an effect of originality. You're improving!

awwwwwww thanx so much for all ur advice i really need it if i want to write better poetry. =D

*Nod* She said everything I would have said. I think you've got potential; You're one of the few who actually takes advice; I respect you, and I think you're great...

-Eli

I don't like it..

erm.....kinda cool and kinda not cool

Ella:

I don't like it..

we're working on it, it's better than the previous version.

yeah.......kool! lol =D