Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161
June 15th, 2006 at 01:43pm
Mmmkay. Fantasy babble. If you want me to explain it, just ask.
Angel anatomies and faerie antidotes; sometimes
the softest medicines are affectionate kisses
and delicate nothings between sickly sweethearts.
Together, they're a work of abstract, fractured
art lying upon bed sheet canvas - painting gentle
strokes of inhaled oxygen stars against pretty lungs;
dripping lotions and potions through cracked lips.
Watercolour tears, charcoal headaches, and oil
pastel inhalation. Magical maladies always affect
mortal bloodstreams so much harder.
She cocoons his faded heart with her broken
air; pillows of quiet romance and poetic tales.
He's always been soothed by lyrical arts and
dizzy words. She breaks through the contaminated
atmosphere of his sleepy eyes to relieve his aching
spirit of screaming nightmares - magic realignment
to soothe his volatile health. You can't craft
patchwork over sobbing trauma without sacrifice;
weakened seams and paper stitches.
He's lost in shivering fever and searing veins.
Such a sickness bears traits only seen by those
truly in love, mesmerised by the rhythm of
flittering faerie wings. Pulses fade in order to
give birth to new forms; magic only begins to
pass through the chambers of the heart in
unconscious sleep.... Wriggling paws, messy magic,
and feline wings. His mortal heart just became
so ensnared...
Inari King For A Couple Of Days Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 2538
June 15th, 2006 at 02:21pm
Wow.
Awesome.
Love it.
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161
June 16th, 2006 at 09:57am
Thank you, my little poetic angel
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda King For A Couple Of Days Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 2921
June 16th, 2006 at 01:13pm
This poem hasn't gotten quite the attention it deserves. That was beautifully written, and I love your appafly creations, if that's what this one is about too.
...What ever happened to that scary poem?
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161
June 16th, 2006 at 02:30pm
I can't actually remember. I think I got sidetracked,
Angel anatomies and faerie antidotes; sometimes
the softest medicines are affectionate kisses
and delicate nothings between sickly sweethearts.
Together, they're a work of abstract, fractured
art lying upon bed sheet canvas - painting gentle
strokes of inhaled oxygen stars against pretty lungs;
dripping lotions and potions through cracked lips.
I liked all that, you are one of the few poets who can actually use colorful language well on GSB.
Watercolour tears,charcoal headaches, and oil
Explain to me what a Watercolor tear is or a charcoal headache is. It didn't make sense, a noun can't be used to describe a noun. It may sound pretty but it makes no sense and it's bad grammar. Poetry can sound pretty without being overdone and senseless.
pastel inhalation. Magical maladies always affect
mortal bloodstreams so much harder.
I think Im in love with the bolded part.
She cocoons his faded heart with her broken
air; pillows of quiet romance and poetic tales.
He's always been soothed by lyrical arts and
dizzy words. She breaks through the contaminated
atmosphere of his sleepy eyes to relieve his aching
spirit of screaming nightmares - magic realignment
to soothe his volatile health. You can't craft
patchwork over sobbing trauma without sacrifice;
weakened seams and paper stitches.
Your metaphors actually have relation, they arent random blabber, you are very good with that and should be complimented with that skill, not many people on here can do that well
He's lost in shivering fever and searing veins. Such a sickness bears traits only seen by those
truly in love, mesmerised by the rhythm of
flittering faerie wings.
Once again, the bolded part was extremely well written.
Pulses fade in order to
give birth to new forms; magic only begins to
pass through the chambers of the heart in
unconscious sleep.... Wriggling paws, messy magic,
and feline wings. His mortal heart just became
so ensnared..
Ensnared wasn't the best word to use there.... Im pretty sure you use snares to cach birds, so that was a little wierd, I would have used something else, but I liked the ending message.
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda King For A Couple Of Days Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 2921
June 16th, 2006 at 02:49pm
...Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is possible to use watercolour and charcoal as adjectives. Such as a watercolour painting, and charcoal drawings. Those might not be the best examples, but you get what I mean.
Inari King For A Couple Of Days Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 2538
June 16th, 2006 at 02:52pm
Hardcore Panda!!1:
...Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is possible to use watercolour and charcoal as adjectives. Such as a watercolour painting, and charcoal drawings. Those might not be the best examples, but you get what I mean.
I second this.
Nouns can be adjectives e.g. car keys.
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161
June 16th, 2006 at 02:52pm
Okay. I'll explain.
Watercolour tears - the idea that tears flow like bleeding paint. The idea of wet on dry art - tears flowing against dry skin.
Charcoal headaches - Charcoal is rough, and harsh, and so I thought it a suitable word to describe such a sensation. Charcoal scratches against the paper when you use it. And I'm not describing, I'm kind of comparing it.
And to ensnare something seems very strong... and yes, the idea of the bird appealed to me. That there's no restraints, and love just took this boy with no remorse.
...Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is possible to use watercolour and charcoal as adjectives. Such as a watercolour painting, and charcoal drawings. Those might not be the best examples, but you get what I mean.
in those specific instances, yes they are adjectives. Typically they are not, and if she was using it like that, I would really like to know what they are and how watercolor's related to tears and Charcoal releates to headaches.
Watercolour tears - the idea that tears flow like bleeding paint. The idea of wet on dry art - tears flowing against dry skin.
Charcoal headaches - Charcoal is rough, and harsh, and so I thought it a suitable word to describe such a sensation. Charcoal scratches against the paper when you use it. And I'm not describing, I'm kind of comparing it.
And to ensnare something seems very strong... and yes, the idea of the bird appealed to me. That there's no restraints, and love just took this boy with no remorse.
Making sense?
I think the watercolor makes sense and is a good metaphor, the Charcoal can be used.
Bird Snares are not strong, they're used to catch birds that are pests and kills them, I dont think that was the best word to use in this instance still, but it's your poem, not mine, that was just my view.
...Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is possible to use watercolour and charcoal as adjectives. Such as a watercolour painting, and charcoal drawings. Those might not be the best examples, but you get what I mean.
I second this.
Nouns can be adjectives e.g. car keys.
Car Keys is a compound word it's one noun, two words
Inari King For A Couple Of Days Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 2538
June 16th, 2006 at 02:59pm
I_worship_tre_Cool:
Inari:
Hardcore Panda!!1:
...Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is possible to use watercolour and charcoal as adjectives. Such as a watercolour painting, and charcoal drawings. Those might not be the best examples, but you get what I mean.
I second this.
Nouns can be adjectives e.g. car keys.
Car Keys is a compound word it's one noun, two words
Ok then.
Would you like to tell that to my college lecturer, someone who has graduated from university?
...Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is possible to use watercolour and charcoal as adjectives. Such as a watercolour painting, and charcoal drawings. Those might not be the best examples, but you get what I mean.
I second this.
Nouns can be adjectives e.g. car keys.
Car Keys is a compound word it's one noun, two words
Ok then.
Would you like to tell that to my college lecturer, someone who has graduated from university?
I would really hope that he/she would know Car Keys is a Compound word and I wouldnt have to tell him/her
In poetry, Nouns can be adjectives, but they have to have some type of relation and make sense, and truely it's still bad grammar, the only reason it's used is because it sounds pretty.
Thanks alot you guys for focusing on the few negative things I said and Making me seem heartless like I didn't compliment her on her strengths. No matter how "perfect" you like to make everything out to be, there is room for improvment, how do you think poets get better? It's almost become a popularity contest in here, certain poets are always told "thats beautiful" with no helpful critiscm at all. That was the point of this forum and it use to work that way. Maybe when the new poetry section is up, it will start working like that again, I can't wait for you guys to see it, it's going to be OSM.
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161
June 16th, 2006 at 03:05pm
Please don't use my poem as a battlefield *cries*
I only wanted to explain why I chose those words.
Please don't use my poem as a battlefield *cries*
I only wanted to explain why I chose those words.
And you did and Im glad you did, It helped me to better understand you work. Certain people are just angry with me for actually critiscing a poem and posting what I think of it, like this forum is for, if what I said offended you anywhere please tell me, it's your poem, and what they say isn't bothering me, Im worried about you taking what I said the wrong way.
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161
June 16th, 2006 at 03:10pm
I_worship_tre_Cool:
international_idiot:
Please don't use my poem as a battlefield *cries*
I only wanted to explain why I chose those words.
And you did and Im glad you did, It helped me to better understand you work. Certain people are just angry with me for actually critiscing a poem and posting what I think of it, like this forum is for, if what I said offended you anywhere please tell me, it's your poem, and what they say isn't bothering me, Im worried about you taking what I said the wrong way.
No, I'm not offended. I just needed to explain why I use metaphors like that, I know it's not an entirely conventional style. I just get so paranoid about people not understanding my work because I'm into fantasy so much.
I appriciate your criticism. I really do.
Inari King For A Couple Of Days Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 2538
June 16th, 2006 at 03:13pm
international_idiot:
Please don't use my poem as a battlefield *cries*
I only wanted to explain why I chose those words.
I liked it alot but can you explain it for me? please!
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161
June 16th, 2006 at 03:15pm
.::MESKI::.:
I liked it alot but can you explain it for me? please!
Okays
It's part of a fantasy story I'm writing. It's about a mortal boy who falls for a faerie princess. The poem is about how he's breaking and transforming into a magical creature just like her, because he loves her so much.
