newagecarny Was Here Two Weeks Ago Age: 33 Gender: Female Posts: 42495
June 17th, 2006 at 06:00pm
Madness. Some of us met it, some were lucky not to. Either way, it strikes us all differently. And it's so intriguing to try and capture it. It can never be truly defined. Any suggestions are welcome!
Vague
I'm the locked cabinet in your apartment hallway
Where your empty pistol lays safe and sound.
I'm the ecstasy lifting you to heavenly heights
And the gravity taming you down to the ground.
I'm beyond reach yet your internal freight;
An unnamed abstract noun eternally remaining,
The cause of midnight ripped knees and role-play,
And the inspiration to all your carmine painting.
You could have it so much better by my side.
My bittersweet lullabies would put you to sleep.
I'm here. I'm here. I'm waiting. I'm craving.
You must be naive to think you're yours to keep?
spill_no_sick Falling In Love With The Board Age: 31 Gender: - Posts: 8588
June 17th, 2006 at 06:11pm
I don't know many who can pull off the "I'm the...." other than Trent Reznor, and now, you
the first two lines were great, then you had a little cliche, but not too much.....then this last stanza was incredible
so you pulled off something that's really hard, good job
I'm glad we have a great poet like you for the ickle GSBian poets to look up to
110/100
newagecarny Was Here Two Weeks Ago Age: 33 Gender: Female Posts: 42495
June 17th, 2006 at 06:15pm
I actually didn't want to write anything tonight but saw you online and thought you might comment.
We need you back, man!
Oh YAY, I'm compared to Trent Reznor. That's something.
And now I've never felt more proud in my entire life.
My Suggestion, Stop writting, you're making the rest of us look bad
I'm the locked cabinet in your apartment hallway
Where your empty pistol lays safe and sound.
I wasn't exactly fond of the wording of those lines, but it did make me want to keep reading.
I'm the ecstasy lifting you to heavenly heights
And the gravity taming you down to the ground.
Those lines made me shiver, those were amazing. They didn't look like someone slammed your head in a dictionary, it looked like you're an amazing poet who can put words together, which you are.
I'm beyond reach yet your internal freight;
An unnamed abstract noun eternally remaining,
The cause of midnight ripped knees and role-play,
And the inspiration to all your carmine painting.
You could have it so much better by my side.
My bittersweet lullabies would put you to sleep.
That bolded part was very good, language used at it's best. I'm here. I'm here. I'm waiting. I'm craving.
You must be naive to think you're yours to keep?
That was a great closing, it was intense, it was like you can almost feel what the person is going through while they are waiting for someone they want so desperately.
newagecarny Was Here Two Weeks Ago Age: 33 Gender: Female Posts: 42495
June 17th, 2006 at 06:18pm
It's actually about paranoia, about hearing voices in your head and not being sure what they mean. And wanting to move away but slowly giving in...
It's actually about paranoia, about hearing voices in your head and not being sure what they mean. And wanting to move away but slowly giving in...
That was the whole message anyway. Thanks!
I got a totally different message out of it. It made me think of being in love with someone who was controlling them. When a writter can write so that the reader gets their own message, they truely are a good writter.
newagecarny Was Here Two Weeks Ago Age: 33 Gender: Female Posts: 42495
June 17th, 2006 at 06:35pm
I_worship_tre_Cool:
Ella:
It's actually about paranoia, about hearing voices in your head and not being sure what they mean. And wanting to move away but slowly giving in...
That was the whole message anyway. Thanks!
I got a totally different message out of it. It made me think of being in love with someone who was controlling them. When a writter can write so that the reader gets their own message, they truely are a good writter.
Wow.
That makes me happy.
spill_no_sick Falling In Love With The Board Age: 31 Gender: - Posts: 8588
June 17th, 2006 at 08:15pm
Ella:
I_worship_tre_Cool:
Ella:
It's actually about paranoia, about hearing voices in your head and not being sure what they mean. And wanting to move away but slowly giving in...
That was the whole message anyway. Thanks!
I got a totally different message out of it. It made me think of being in love with someone who was controlling them. When a writter can write so that the reader gets their own message, they truely are a good writter.
Wow.
That makes me happy.
yeah
that's exactly what I always say about poetry
I'm always glad to read stuff you wrote.....
it's nice to have a poet like you on the boards
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda King For A Couple Of Days Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 2921
June 17th, 2006 at 09:16pm
I'm the locked cabinet in your apartment hallway
Where your empty pistol lays safe and sound.
I'm the ecstasy lifting you to heavenly heights
And the gravity taming you down to the ground.
I adore the first two lines. Actually, I adore the whole thing. Very nice rhyme there, not forced at all and it flowed smoothly.
I'm beyond reach yet your internal freight;
An unnamed abstract noun eternally remaining,
The cause of midnight ripped knees and role-play,
And the inspiration to all your carmine painting.
I believe you mean fright there? This whole stanza was good as well; love the metaphors.
You could have it so much better by my side.
My bittersweet lullabies would put you to sleep. I'm here. I'm here. I'm waiting. I'm craving.
You must be naive to think you're yours to keep?
The bolded part was amazing. The way you wrote that was just phenomenal. Brilliant way to end the poem as well. It closed it perfectly.
Conclusion: I love it. <3
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161
