Suicide amongst one of the thousands rains

AuthorMessage
bi_bu_ra
Rotting On Here
bi_bu_ra
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 49428

Mibba
July 23rd, 2006 at 04:23pm
Heavy rain drops were falling on her tender bright hair
And her body unconsciously enjoyed in the sound
of contact of rain drops and warm earth
Her mind didn't want to enjoy at the returning
of small drops on dreamy world
Her legs guided her to the place, on which was born innocent love
That grew into the biggest romance of the small city

She convinced her brain that this
heavy premonition just can't be true
But when her feet quickly hurried on the way,
on which she was walking for thousand times
She smelled the catastrophe and sadness instead of the wet earth
When she arrived on soaked meadow full of yellow flowers
She noticed the person, which meant the world to her
White as snow, with the sliver handle of
an expencive bayonet in his heart
As so many times before her dark premonition came true
And she knew she has to do that

Suicide amongst one of the thousands rains
bi_bu_ra
Rotting On Here
bi_bu_ra
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 49428

Mibba
July 23rd, 2006 at 05:47pm
Anyone?
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921

Mibba
July 23rd, 2006 at 06:01pm
I like it, especially the fact that you used a bayonet in it. That was really cool. As for some suggestions:

Heavy rain drops were falling on her tender bright hair
And her body unconsciously enjoyed in the sound
of contact of rain drops and warm earth
Her mind didn't want to enjoy at the returning
of small drops on dreamy world
Her legs guided her to the place, on which was born innocent love
That grew into the biggest romance of the small city

Not only are the bolded words forms of the same word, but they're not used in a grammatically correct way. I would suggest that you replace the first with reveled, and the second one with rejoice.
Inari
King For A Couple Of Days
Inari
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 2538
July 24th, 2006 at 04:52am
Really liked that. Very Happy
bi_bu_ra
Rotting On Here
bi_bu_ra
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 49428

Mibba
July 24th, 2006 at 12:04pm
Thank you. Very Happy
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