Beloved

She lay on the floor,
thinkin' about the one she used to adore.
She grabbed her arm and cradled her head,
how she wishes she was dead,
sitting there crying,
she's reall trying,
not to end it today.

She caries all het pain away,
theres nothin' she can say,
They shove it in her face,
and it won't go away.
Tears falling down the face of Beloved.
Why can't she see that they would die for her?

Her slapped her in the face,
got into space,
and watches her fall to the ground.
He'd watch her in pain,
without any shame,
just laughin' at Beloved,
no sign of any frown.

She caries all het pain away,
theres nothin' she can say,
They shove it in her face,
and it won't go away.
Tears falling down the face of Beloved.
Why can't she see that they would die for her?
Why can't she see that I would die for her?
Why can't she see that we would die for her?

I didn't like it... again... work on the flow

keep it up

what do you mean by flow? please help!

I agree with Joan of Arc of Suburbia, work on the flow, it was off.
Try going here for some tips on how to improve your poems.

okay, thanks!

what can I do to fix it? any suggestions?

i like the first paragraph but then the rest..needs halp

Ok. I think the first stanza was pretty good. You did a good job of creating a visual. After that it got a little iffy. I agree that the flow was off. And what I mean by that is that when I read it, it seemed kind of bumpy instead of smooth.

Ex:
Her slapped her in the face,
got into space,
and watches her fall to the ground.


It seemed to jump from the first line to the second in a strange way. Like it was only there for the rhyme. Do you see that? Maybe you could rephrase it somehow to keep the idea, but say it differently. I know it's part of your rhyme scheme, so you could probably just add more to the line to keep it from seeming so sudden.

It's stuff like that that threw the flow off for me.

Overall I think it wasn't really that good. But I can see you trying new things in your writing and that's good. You're trying to improve. I don't comment too much on poems, but I have read yours. I'll try to comment more to help you. If I help at all anyways. I could just be useless. But oh well.

Good effort. Keep trying. You'll get there soon enough.

Cliché.