Fink.
Geek
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 289 | July 28th, 2006 at 10:40pm Bite your wrist & slit your lips
Cause, really, there's no other way out.
You've thought it through.
Your moment's up.
Life's too rough.
Your heart is shattered.
Your eyes so dull.
All because one boy was dumb.
So you watch the blood leak from your veins
Slowly losing conciousness
The world's turned black.
You've lost your sight.
Now all that's left is all you hear:
A voice at the door
It's calling your name.
A turning knob.
A scream & sobs.
You've gone too far
You've lost control.
Now all that's left is your blood loss
Bite your lip & slit your wrists.
Please just tell me if it sucked. It's not gonna hurt my feelings or anything.
& does it seem kinda forced? i think it kinda does bt i dunno. |
spill_no_sick
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 31
Gender: -
Posts: 8588 | July 28th, 2006 at 11:00pm if anyone else submitted this then I'd laugh but you seem to know where you need improvement
I just need to add that it is the modern cliche
but pretty much you know what you did wrong and it can only be fixed by awareness and practice
the rest was fine though
the repitition at the end, you have an audience
fine except for being cliche and the stuff you mentioned |
