Guran Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
 Age: - Gender: - Posts: 75
| August 1st, 2006 at 08:17am it is six am and you're knocking at my door,
and now I'm wondering what you're knocking for,
I get up just to load my gun,
and I prey to God, I hope you can run,
cuz this isn't going to be very pretty
so you think you win me by singing love songs,
and overwriting your right's making them wrong's,
I roll up my sleeves and walk down the stair,
you're going to die but my neigbours don't care,
I guess you might feel all shitty
and you always said you'd be ready,
you're always ready for me to go steady,
so then lock and load baby,
I'm going to shoot you down just maybe,
so lock and load, come on,
lets all die to this song
please tell me HONESTLY what you think. pwease? |
Meski Addict
 Age: 32 Gender: Male Posts: 14856
 | August 1st, 2006 at 08:41am Do you want my honest opinion? Crappy, very crappy, no flow, no sense and no good, work harder, don't write about death or stuff like that |
Kitti Falling In Love With The Board
 Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 5688 | August 1st, 2006 at 08:56am Some things aren't spelled correctly, some things contradict each other. The rythm is bouncy, almost playful. It doesn't seem serious at all, and I like that. Some lines seem tacked on though, as if to make your poem follow form. That seriously interrupts the flow of the piece.
I can show you what I mean, but it's better for you to try to see it yourself first.
Good luck  |
Guran Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
 Age: - Gender: - Posts: 75
| August 1st, 2006 at 01:03pm okay..
thanks for telling me yoru opinion 
I'll work WAY harder next time. i promise  |