bella---muerte
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 17 | August 15th, 2006 at 05:32pm This is a song I wrote, just off the top of my head, and it turned out alright. I can do better, but I want some feedback 'cause maybe I could edit and perfect this one. Constructive critisism please.
Momma tuck me in tonight,
When daddy comes home all will be right.
I've prayed for us each lonely day,
Said those things that you won't say.
There's some inspriation behind a set of broken eyes,
Where beyond the crystal horizon some freedom lies.
I wrote a couple of poems and another song,
But you still won't tell me what's wrong, what's wrong.
Daddy I know you're a busy man,
But to take time off, well I know you can.
Have you ever hugged a phone for love,
Sending hate to God above?
There's some inspriation behind a set of broken eyes,
Where beyond the crystal horizon some freedom lies.
I wrote a couple of poems and another song,
But you still won't tell me what's wrong, what's wrong.
Each time a plane crashes I have to hope it's not you,
Each time a gun is fired I dream that it's not true.
I hate living my life when you live so far away,
Give me that safe place that you'll let me stay.
There's some inspriation behind a set of broken eyes,
Where beyond the crystal horizon some freedom lies.
I wrote a couple of poems and another song,
But you still won't tell me what's wrong, what's wrong.
Tell me what's wrong? |
bella---muerte
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 17 | August 15th, 2006 at 05:32pm Feed back? |
Goodbye, Norma Jeane
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 4724 | August 15th, 2006 at 05:52pm Daddy I know you're a busy man,
But to take time off, well I know you can.
Have you ever hugged a phone for love,
Sending hate to God above?
That's my favorite stanza.
I think it's well done, I just don't like the "what's wrong" line that much. I don't know...it just seems a little vague-ish to me.
But it's good  |
bella---muerte
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 17 | August 15th, 2006 at 05:53pm Thank you That was actually one of the few songs I've ever written...I usually do poetry...but I feel...songish today. lol |
Arcane-Inamorata
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 3278
 | August 15th, 2006 at 06:12pm I like it.
I don't even know what else to say.
*thumbs up* |
bella---muerte
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 17 | August 15th, 2006 at 06:13pm Thanks and I really mean it |
billiejoeblowjob
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 42 | August 15th, 2006 at 08:33pm ehh.... got my hopes up-- thought when you said "couple of poems" you really meant you posted a bunch but still..... |
bella---muerte
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 17 | August 15th, 2006 at 08:53pm billiejoeblowjob:ehh.... got my hopes up-- thought when you said "couple of poems" you really meant you posted a bunch but still..... lol, next time I post I will actually post a couple of poems then. I like your username by the way =) |
