GreenDayHolic
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6 | October 9th, 2006 at 02:46am Bring you to life
It`s all I wanna do
But I stay here
And look at you
I think I will die too
Cuz all I wanna do
It`s just to be
With you.
I can`t belive how my life turned
From happy to sad
From good to bad.
You took my happines
My heart and soul
I think I`m coming
To stay with you.
I look at my mom
And I see her face
She`s destroyed
And Doesn`t know what to do
She just wants to be with you
I`m staying here in front of you
Cuz all I wanna do
It`s bringing you to life again
And to be here with me
To hold me thight and give
Me advice cuz I`m kinna lost
In this world without any sens
And I wanna BRING YOU TO LIFE
Plsease cume back
I need you more than you think
I suffocate without you
Cuz neither you like it or not
I`m gonna BRING YOU TO LIFE
....what do ya think i wrote this in the memory of my DAD (R.I.P) |
GreenDayHolic
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6 | October 14th, 2006 at 01:49am c`mon...comment me ppl.... |
lyrical_mess
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 5278
  | October 14th, 2006 at 07:31am uor grammar and flow could use some work, but emotionally, it's very strong.  |
B.J
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: -
Gender: Male
Posts: 8105 | October 14th, 2006 at 07:55am I'm sorry but I dont like it
the rhyming is forced
the name is taken from an Evanescence song and simply one word changed
it doesnt flow
you need to improve your grammar
But good effort
keep writing and you'll improve |
B.J
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: -
Gender: Male
Posts: 8105 | October 14th, 2006 at 07:55am also I'm very sorry for the loss of your father |
*faithandmisery*
Geek
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 154
| October 14th, 2006 at 08:01am sorry about your dad
i think you could maybe sort out the rhythm? Pick a beat and try to stick to it  |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | October 14th, 2006 at 01:02pm I don't want to say anything harsh because it's obviously very personal to you, but in posting your poetry here you open yourself up to criticism. Your spelling and grammar are atrocious, you could've used a spell-checker. And it doesn't have any flow, rhythm... nothing.
I'm sorry for the circumstances which brought about you writing it. |
GreenDayHolic
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6 | October 20th, 2006 at 04:08am no problem ........that`s why i posted it on here  |
