just_call_me_dookie
Addict
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 12902
 | October 10th, 2006 at 04:51pm Can you see what you have done to me?
You took my friends and now I'm held in captivity.
So long we stood together forever.
But now you're better forever and ever.
Why have they deserted me?
Am I not what they want me to be?
I tried so hard for you acceptence.
But I think now, I need a social apprentence.
Why is everyone so blind?
Can't they see I can't control my mind?
So many problems within myself.
I'll just bottle them up and put them on a shelf.
My heart is broken, ripped through like tin.
I give up can't you see? You win. |
°MorbidRose°
Jackass
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1723
 | October 10th, 2006 at 08:41pm The rhyming sounds forced, and the flow is a little off.
Use a wider variety of vocabulary, maybe some metaphors.
The couplet thing is nice, and would be amazing if you could just get the flow and rhythm right.
Just try to maybe use words you wouldn't necessarily think of rhyming, like longer words with not so obvious rhymes. That's usually pretty interesting.
<3 |
just_call_me_dookie
Addict
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 12902
| October 10th, 2006 at 10:29pm °MorbidRose°:The rhyming sounds forced, and the flow is a little off.
Use a wider variety of vocabulary, maybe some metaphors.
The couplet thing is nice, and would be amazing if you could just get the flow and rhythm right.
Just try to maybe use words you wouldn't necessarily think of rhyming, like longer words with not so obvious rhymes. That's usually pretty interesting.
<3
Well, see that's kind of the way I write. I force my rhymes, to make them more obvious. |
Dead End Girl
Addict
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 10219 | October 12th, 2006 at 11:22am just_call_me_dookie:Well, see that's kind of the way I write. I force my rhymes, to make them more obvious. But by doing that, it distracts from the poem and...well...cheapens it.
It doesn't let you write exactly what you want.
But whatever you think. |
