Sporadic breathing can become quite
formidable when darkness pierces
through your thin, white bones. Dust
is but a comfort for those drowning
in placidity. A beautiful sunset, the
orange, red, and yellow hues, scorns
and burns us as we no longer find
solace in the folds of the blanketed
sky. Angel wings are raindrops bulleting
over the desert landscape. They disintegrate
before they strike the naked dunes of
scorns and burns. The night brings
consolation, but without the effect of
organization, perception is a value below
reality. Vacuity is nothing new, though-
guaranteed. There is beauty in nothing but it's
absolutely and utterly devoid of anything.
Nothing left, but nothing. I could barely
see you within all the black. You would
never see me if my skin glowed like
a streetlight in the deep shadows.
Sporadic breathing can become quite
formidable when darkness pierces
through your thin, white bones. Dust
is but a comfort for those drowning
in placidity. A beautiful sunset, the
orange, red, and yellow hues, scorns
and burns us as we no longer find
solace in the folds of the blanketed
sky. The twilight breathes out. The night brings
consolation, but without the effect of
organization, perception is a value below
reality. Vacuity is nothing new, though-
guaranteed. There is beauty in nothing but it's
absolutely and utterly devoid of anything.
Nothing left, but nothing. I could barely
see you within all the black. You would
never see me if my skin glowed like
a streetlight in the deep shadows.
I like how you didn't make the flow end with the lines of the poem, and kept it steady. Alot of people assume "end of line, I have to pause" but you don't. When you don't it sounds so much more original and the flow becomes your own.
Nothing left, but nothing. I could barely
see you within all the black. You would
never see me if my skin glowed like
a streetlight in the deep shadows.
I adored the ending segement of the poem.
You also had a great vocabulary choice in this poem, it was very poetic and vivid.
Angel wings are raindrops bulleting
over the desert landscape. They disintegrate
before they strike the naked dunes of
scorns and burns.
Im not exactly sure how this ties in with the rest of the poem. Taken out of context though, they are quite poetic.
this is the first poem in a very long time I have actually felt the need to comment on. I like it.
I like how you didn't make the flow end with the lines of the poem, and kept it steady. Alot of people assume "end of line, I have to pause" but you don't. When you don't it sounds so much more original and the flow becomes your own.
Nothing left, but nothing. I could barely
see you within all the black. You would
never see me if my skin glowed like
a streetlight in the deep shadows.
I adored the ending segement of the poem.
You also had a great vocabulary choice in this poem, it was very poetic and vivid.
this is the first poem in a very long time I have actually felt the need to comment on. I like it.
Thanks a bunch!
I_worship_tre_Cool:
Angel wings are raindrops bulleting
over the desert landscape. They disintegrate
before they strike the naked dunes of
scorns and burns.
Im not exactly sure how this ties in with the rest of the poem. Taken out of context though, they are quite poetic.
Yes, I was actually kind of wondering about that myself. I always write out a poem first, then go back and change things around a bit. The original line had said something about the heavens, thus bringing forth the angels.
Then, I changed it, but left in that section because of loved it so much, but I might just go ahead and take it out. Maybe save it for a different poem...
But I don't know. It fits in with what the poem is dealing with... *Shrugs* I'll think about it.
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161
October 19th, 2006 at 11:53am
One criticism; and only one - you used the word scorn twice. I wouldn't have done, because it's a powerful word and it becomes weaker when used repetively.
Other than that.
Oh, my God. I haven't been affected by poetry on GSB like this for a long time.
One criticism; and only one - you used the word scorn twice. I wouldn't have done, because it's a powerful word and it becomes weaker when used repetively.
Other than that.
Oh, my God. I haven't been affected by poetry on GSB like this for a long time.
Thanks! But yeah, I used the phrase "scorns and burns" twice to try to tie in everything, but I'll think about what you suggested. Maybe I'll pull out the thesaurus and use a different word.
this is the first poem in a very long time I have actually felt the need to comment on. I like it.
I haven't been affected by poetry on GSB like this for a long time.
Thank you.