Spider

Board index - Your poetry

Author	Message
YUZHEN_ Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie Age: 30 Gender: Female Posts: 50	October 21st, 2006 at 04:55am Spider I dance for you My tip toe blue I dance as long as you love me too Lace worn black None that lack All the time I could turn back Hearts strained out Scream out loud Lovelorn souls without a doubt Flickering flame Give love a name I'll never forget the night you came Lay me down Wipe my frown Fall down slow as I watch you drown Frozen tears All my fears Clockwork lovers screwed up gears Hurt by snow Watch blood flow Breathe soft as you watch me go
!!138.ANDROID.HELENA!! Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie Age: - Gender: - Posts: 70	October 21st, 2006 at 05:10am wow nice... are you like into horror punk or something ... misfits ... blitzkid .... balzac
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161	October 21st, 2006 at 05:58am I loved it. The rhyme pattern was forced and it didn't flow, but I loved the words.
wait_what Geek Age: 38 Gender: Female Posts: 411	October 21st, 2006 at 12:02pm Althought I really hate rhyming poetry, this was fairly decent. I had a bit of difficulty with the flow, however; and the rhyming was kind of cliche. It has potential, though! Good job.
MintyFreshGeek Idiot Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 724	October 21st, 2006 at 07:00pm I like it, tis goood.
JOOLS Addict Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 11676	October 21st, 2006 at 07:34pm Personally, I find this beautiful. -Julie
Kurtni Admin Age: 33 Gender: Female Posts: 34289	October 21st, 2006 at 07:37pm A A A B B B I dislike that pattern of rhyme typically, not because it's a bad pattern, but because most poets don't use it correctly. You did have a fairly decent attempt though. This is excellent when spoken, but somewhat dull when read, alot of poets write in the reverse of that so thats something to feel unique about. I dance for you My tip toe blue I dance as long as you love me too The last line would have been better without the too. It would have had a nicer flow as well, but I wouldnt change it because then the whole poem wouldnt have the pattern. Lace worn black None that lack All the time I could turn back that stanza lacked a concept. Hearts strained out Scream out loud Lovelorn souls without a doubt but you got back to your subject here, and I like the rhyme. Flickering flame Give love a name I'll never forget the night you came Good job staying on the subject, and at the same time adding to it. I liked it. Lay me down Wipe my frown Fall down slow as I watch you drown Wow, the last line has power, although the second line seems a bit weak. It's hard to think of words to fit your rhyme, but I think you could reword that to compliment the last line. Frozen tears All my fears Clockwork lovers screwed up gears That last line was lovely... well actually it was pretty deranged, but in the case of poetry thats a good thing Hurt by snow Watch blood flow Breathe soft as you watch me go That was a nice ending to the poem, the "watch me go" part could symblize a 'spider' crawling away so it related to your over all theme quite nicely. I think you should try some free verse, because there is no doubt that you're talented with metaphors.
JOOLS Addict Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 11676	October 21st, 2006 at 07:43pm hmm... now that I read it again- and yes, I did read it again XD- I want to make a small suggestion. Hurt by snow Watch blood flow Breathe soft as you watch me go The last line lacks flow & I think it would do better if you added 'so' in between 'Breath' & 'soft' just to add another syllable. Breath so soft as you watch me go That's just my opinion, but without it, it's still beautiful, as I said. -Julie

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