In Your Heart

Board index - Your poetry

Author	Message
YUZHEN_ Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie Age: 30 Gender: Female Posts: 50	October 23rd, 2006 at 07:59am In Your Heart Drowning in your filthy lies Sinking in your hazel eyes Flaws overcome sense of fear I hold my heart and call you dear Basking in a warm sunlight With myself I try to fight Part of me wants you to stay The other just wants you to pay For the pain you've put me through Its a wonder I still love you Struggle to realise all mistakes Knowing all your tears are fake Why do I love you till I die? Why can't I peacefully watch you cry? My soul rests at its sullen mood I hide under my misty hood Resurrected save of faith I wake up but its just too late The moth of fate has flown too far Now I just can't reach the bar Why do I love you till I die? Why can't I peacefully watch you cry? Because I'm only dead inside In your dark heart I reside
Riot on the Radio Jackass Age: 30 Gender: Female Posts: 1841	October 24th, 2006 at 03:25am Me like
Teresa...yeah? Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie Age: 33 Gender: Female Posts: 17	October 24th, 2006 at 03:25am That is fucking awesome. I loved it =]
Dobbemort_8thHorcrux Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie Age: 31 Gender: Male Posts: 14	October 25th, 2006 at 03:54am :O that's awesome Yuzhen!!!! -huggles-
What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451	October 25th, 2006 at 07:42am Don’t just post to post or to get your freakin’ posts up!!! Say why you like/dislike a poem. Give constructive criticism if necessary! And for God’s sake stop telling people that they write great poems when they so obviously don’t! And if you think this is good you clearly know nothing about good poetry. This is ok at it’s best. It’s nowhere near good. Anyway, about the poem. The flow is non-existing and the rhymes are so forced and so overused that I almost want to cry. The theme of the poem is very, very cliché. This has been done the same way too many times before. The rhyming scheme makes it hard for you to keep to your chosen theme and you put in irrelevant things just to make it rhyme. That’s obviously wrong. Also, skip the bold words next time. I just doesn’t work for you. To improve you should try free verse. That would make it so much easier for you to be creative, and it will be much easier to keep to the theme. Try working on your metaphors or use grand or poetic words and perhaps a even more poetic wording (‘cause you got that right and that’s a start). Try to find your own way of expressing yourself, a different way. Try different forms when it comes to poetry and try to make it unique for you. Work on your flow by reading the poem aloud. I know you can write great poems with some practice because you've got potential. Good luck
MyChemicalFreak Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie Age: - Gender: Female Posts: 30	October 25th, 2006 at 04:04pm Wheeeeee! <3 I loved it. Beautifully worded. Unlike a lot of poems, it didn't burn my eyes out. Wicked awesome.
What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451	October 25th, 2006 at 05:43pm MyChemicalFreak: Wheeeeee! <3 I loved it. Beautifully worded. Unlike a lot of poems, it didn't burn my eyes out. Wicked awesome. This isn’t meant in a bad way but are you serious? Do you know anything about poetry what so ever? I mean it’s just way cliché and banal. The wording is ordinary and it’s just the way the sentences are written that gives it sort of a poetic touch. There is nothing awesome about it shakes head Creds to you for saying why you liked it though
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161	October 26th, 2006 at 10:08am The first two lines were great, in my opinion. I loved 'filthy lies' especially. However, much of the poem is very simplistic... it's good poetry, but it doesn't stand out. You need more description and imagery to make it, for lack of a better word, 'pretty'.
Roshie Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie Age: - Gender: - Posts: 9	October 26th, 2006 at 12:52pm that was just.. beautiful.

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