Cidlet
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1712
 | October 30th, 2006 at 07:03pm Kay well I put this up in my journal but no one took the time to read it.
Feedback is welcome, even if it is critisim(sp)
Two eyes separated by bone
Minding their own sockets
I wish that I could cut them out
And hide them in my pockets
Two ears a full scull apart
Staying hidden from each other
I want to crush them shut
With no more sound to discover
Two hands chained to separate arms
Rubbing different sides
I desire to have them severed
So they won’t feel any lies
One stomach churning acid
Burning underneath my skin
I’ll pull it from my throat
Purge the pain from within
One brain spreading chaos
Harboring thoughts of dread
I’ll poison it under my scull
Until it swells through my head
One heart beating under my chest
The only organ that is true
But if I can stop its beating
Then the others will die too |
beans
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 222 | October 31st, 2006 at 01:59pm omg this poem rocks im crap at making poems that rhym lol u do it perfect |
tomamazon
GSBitch
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 68084
 | October 31st, 2006 at 02:38pm Beans, I hate you.
Anyway, poem- seemed a little forced in some places, but other than that its brilliant. |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | October 31st, 2006 at 02:40pm I agree; some places were extremely forced, but others were okay. Try writing in free verse.  |
Hilda the Hag
Geek
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 130 | October 31st, 2006 at 02:41pm i like the idea of it.and you used alot of "big words",which it nice,but it does seem justa little forced. |
FrankFuckingIero
Jackass
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 1015 | October 31st, 2006 at 02:56pm I hate saying that poems seem forced...but there's no other way to say it sooooo...it seemed a tiny bit forced but I think that it was bloody great! It's different, that's the best part of it.  Good job! Keep it up dude! |
Garrett Hanlund
This Board Is My Home
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 30801
| November 2nd, 2006 at 09:01pm Psht @ them.
Cidlet, you're amazing.  |
