Trees of Autumn

The breath just barely
hangs, like a whisper soon silenced.

The trees distract,
the way they kill
insignificant
colorful
portions
of their whole.

Do not worry.
Soon our breath
will be a hanging scream.

And soon after,
(when breath is forgotten altogether)
the trees will return to green uniform
and it will be another six months
until Autumn whispers
and dies
again.

I like it. It sums Autumn up pretty well. *Tips hat*

I actually, really love it.

Amazing. As always.

It’s really something. Nice structure, wonderful imagery and great flow. I found it a bit repetitive though.

The breath just barely
hangs, like a whisper soon silence.

The trees distract,
the way they kill
insignificant
colorful
portions
of their whole.

Do not worry.
soon our breath
will be a hanging scream.

And soon after,
(when breath is forgotten altogether)
the trees will return to green uniform
and it will be another six months
until Autumn whispers
and dies
again.

See? For such a short poem you repeated quite a few words.

And also, you may have intended to say “silenced� and not “silence�?
And you might want to put a capital “S� in “soon� seeing as it is in the beginning of a sentence.

It's good to see another spill_no_sick poem.

I love the structure; it felt really good to read. The second stanza is pure brilliance and the whole ending stanza is a great ending as well. Your poetry never ceases to amaze me.

I really liked it, but What's in a name? brings up a good point about the repetitive words.

I agree with What's in a name? but overall I think the concept is beautiful. You always amaze me with the way that you can write about nature without looking through rose tinted glasses.

I especially loved 'the trees will return to green uniform'.

the repitition was intentional and served a purpous but I fixed the other errors.

Thank you for the comments, sorry I haven't written lately (for the people who ever kept track)
I've had way to much homework and I feel like Dujo saying he can't be on because we works so I'll shut up now (no offense to Dujo

spill_no_sick:

the repitition was intentional and served a purpous but I fixed the other errors.

Thank you for the comments, sorry I haven't written lately (for the people who ever kept track)
I've had way to much homework and I feel like Dujo saying he can't be on because we works so I'll shut up now (no offense to Dujo

Out of curiosity – what purpose?

[QUOTE="What#1 I had to write this for Spanish and it was originally called "Los Arboles Del Otono"
#2 they are personified, it's like you don't call Richard, Dick, Rick, Rich, and Richy in the same poem when the only person speaking is the narrarator

Ok, I see. How come you didn’t post that too?

Yes, but you would write �him� and �he� (or things like �the boy/man�). You would have to have a good reason for writing “Richard� several times thought the whole poem

[QUOTE="WhatI don't like the use of pronouns in poetry
and I didn't post it because I don't have it, and because it's already hard to find English critics here

Fine. That’s up to you. And I didn’t mean that you should post it here separately to get some feedback on it. I simply wondered why you didn’t post it together with this poem since you mentioned it being originally Spanish as on of the reasons for the repetition.