Elapse (edited, please read)
| Author | Message |
|---|---|
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days  Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451  | This is the original one, scroll down for the edited version  Elapse Ignored Forgotten Get me outa here Decaying Rotten Drag me far away Plastered smiles And jovial masks; A charade To blind my eyes. But they are closed. They are closed. Held out hands Are fists clenched tight And soft spoke words Are malice contained That burns my ears, Even when all is silent. Never free, never free. Burned alive. Those spiders Of your minds spin cobwebs That tangle in your souls. Please, spare me your infected thoughts. Spare me all the venom. There is nothing there But stares so empty. I’m not here, My world’s so black. The eyelids are blindingly Shut tight. Turn off the lights Walk away Turn days to nights Say a prayer Say a prayer Feedback is rewarded with a cookie Oh, and suggestions for a better title, or do you think this one is fine? |
| FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda King For A Couple Of Days  Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 2921 | I think you meant "turn off the lights" and "say a prayer". Plastered smiles And jovial masks; A charade To blind my eyes. But they are closed. They are closed. ^^ Favorite stanza.  I love the structure of it to death. |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | |
| Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days  Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161 | |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | What's in a name?: I didn't wanna change them  Thank you. *gives a little but tasty cookie* Feels like you're the only ones saying anything about my poetry though. I feel forgotten  |
| snowcherry King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 3912 | It's pretty cool. Except for the line "get me outa here". I dunno, it was weird to read the wording "outa" in a poem for me, I guess. But... Plastered smiles And jovial masks; A charade To blind my eyes. But they are closed. They are closed. .... is my fave stanza.  So... now I want a cookie.  |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | Ok, I get it. I won’t do it again. Promise. I was young and stupid… Thank you, dear. And of course you’re getting a cookie *gives cookie* |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | What's in a name?: C'mon people. Work with me here! And you’ve got to have something to say?? Some opinion…  |
| The Doctor Falling In Love With The Board  Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 8786  | Ignored Forgotten Get me outa here I have to agree, the 'get me outa here' wasn't really in context. BUT, I think it would have if it had two t's. That's just my own like...preferance but that's alright. Also in this and the next stanza, there's no punctuation. I would have written it like this. Ignored. Forgotten. Get me outta here... Decaying. Rotten. Drag me far away.... But they were VERY powerful. I like this. Plastered smiles And jovial masks; A charade To blind my eyes. But they are closed. They are closed. I LOVE this stanza. It conveys a sort of...social circus clown scene and you just wanna go home. That's my image anyway. Sorta. Chyeah. Held out hands Are fists clenched tight And soft spoke words Are malice contained That burns my ears, Even when all is silent. Never free, never free. Burned alive. There's a stanza and a half for ya. Now, there are a few minor (like all my criticism really.) things I'd change. Held out hands Are fists clenched tight. Soft spoken words Are malice contaminated. It irritates my ears Even when all is silent. Never free, never free. Burned alive. Also, the use of burn and burned takes away the effectiveness of the words. (Says the biggest hypocrite ever) Those spiders Of your minds spin cobwebs That tangle in your souls. Please, spare me your infected thoughts. Spare me all the venom. I love this. I think a metaphor for spiders fangs would be soooo fitting here. ^^ There is nothing there But stares so empty. I’m not here, My world’s so black. The eyelids are blindingly Shut tight. I would just make one tiny alteration. I would change empty to full. Apart from that it's pretty damn great. Turn off the lights Walk away Turn days to nights Say a prayer Say a prayer Again, punctuation. It ran away from the stanza  Overall, I love this and you. REALLY. |
| The Doctor Falling In Love With The Board Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 8786 | What's in a name?:Nocturnal elapse. But I like this one |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | MC Delta Tee: You confused me at first  Anyway. I could change “outa” to “out of” I guess. As a mentioned before, those stanzas are old and I didn’t really wanna do anything with them. I don’t like ellipses ^^ Those first two stanzas are sort of outside the rest of the poem, hence no punctuation. Everyone seem to love the third stanza. It’s my fav too. I didn’t have to think, it just appeared and I wrote it down. Go me. And nice interpretation Yeah, I couldn’t get the flow right and it’s just a bit blunt.  I didn’t see that!I’ll see if I can change it. Thanks for the rewritten stanza. It might give me some ideas. Thank you. Cha, maybe ^^ That would mess with the whole conception of the poem though  I know. It’s the same with this as the two first. It’s like a separate part interacted to the poem. Thank you  ILY I like the suggestion for title btw |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | The edited version. What do you think? Better? Nocturnal Elapse Ignored Forgotten Get me out off here Decaying Rotten Drag me far away Plastered smiles And jovial masks; A charade To blind my eyes. But they are closed. They are closed. Held out hands Are fists clenched tight While soft spoke words Are, by malice, polluted. It scorch my ears, Even when all is silent. Never free, never free. Burned alive. Those spiders Of your minds spin cobwebs That tangle in your souls. Please, spare me your infected thoughts. Spare me all the venom. There is nothing there But stares so empty. I’m not here, My world’s so black. The eyelids are blindingly Shut tight. Turn of the lights Walk away Turn days to nights Say a pray Say a pray |
Options
Go back to top
Go back to top
