Westbound Hill
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 46 | November 18th, 2006 at 10:40pm Guess Who I Saw Last Night
It Was You Lurking From The Daylight
I Came Around
And
Watched As You Shut Them Down
Well We Hope You Enjoyed The Show
And I Hope That (Yes You Need To Know)
They All Love You
They All Love You
I Stopped Straight In My Tracks
Watching You Like A Dream From The Past
You Would Be The One
(So Cruel)
You're A Little Less Than A Distant Memory
Well They Hope You Enjoyed The Show
And I Hope That (Yes You Need To Now)
They All See You
They All See You
You're A Tansparency
And They All See
You're A Transparency
And Now I See
Well I Hope You Enjoyed The Show
And I Hope That (Yes You Need To Know)
I Never Loved You
I Never Loved You
I Never Loved You.
This Isnt A Love Song.And The Events That Helped Me Write It Happened Last Night At A Play My School Was Setting Up Called "Robin Hood"
And I Just Now Wrote It.
So Critique It.I Wont Get Angry. It'll Help. |
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451
 | November 19th, 2006 at 04:44pm It’s pretty damn good  . I like it. I really like how it’s quite simple when it comes to the wording but a bite more complex in its structure and imagery. Loved what you did with the parentheses, it worked really well. As for feedback you shouldn’t beginning every word with a capital letter. It takes away a bit of the poetic feeling.
You're A Tansparency
And They All See
You're A Transparency
And Now I See
This stanza threw me off a bit. Partly by the spelling mistake but manly because of the rough flow and the repetition.
Perhaps you could rewrite “And now I see”? I think that was the real issue.
Well I Hope You Enjoyed The Show
And I Hope That (Yes You Need To Know)
I Never Loved You
I Never Loved You
I Never Loved You.
The only thing I didn’t like was that you repeated “I never Loved you” three times.
Perhaps you could have put “No, I never loved you” or something for a more distinct finish and to avoid the repetition to fall flat.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck writing. |
love.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 2844 | November 19th, 2006 at 05:51pm thats really good. |
Westbound Hill
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 46 | November 19th, 2006 at 09:19pm What's in a name?:It’s pretty damn good . I like it. I really like how it’s quite simple when it comes to the wording but a bite more complex in its structure and imagery. Loved what you did with the parentheses, it worked really well. As for feedback you shouldn’t beginning every word with a capital letter. It takes away a bit of the poetic feeling.
You're A Tansparency
And They All See
You're A Transparency
And Now I See
This stanza threw me off a bit. Partly by the spelling mistake but manly because of the rough flow and the repetition.
Perhaps you could rewrite “And now I see”? I think that was the real issue.
Well I Hope You Enjoyed The Show
And I Hope That (Yes You Need To Know)
I Never Loved You
I Never Loved You
I Never Loved You.
The only thing I didn’t like was that you repeated “I never Loved you” three times.
Perhaps you could have put “No, I never loved you” or something for a more distinct finish and to avoid the repetition to fall flat.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck writing.
Thank You.That'll Help Alot.
Sorry About The Capitalization...Thats An OCD Thing.It Isnt Like That In Actual Writing Just On the Computer. |
