Celestial Romance.
| Author | Message |
|---|---|
| The Doctor Falling In Love With The Board  Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 8786   | Heh, that was a short hiatus, wasn't it Doc? Dammit. Look, I know my poems suck, kay but I just want some criticism. Really. Thanks...  Gravid expectations hold no relevance. I'm so alive it's sickening. A marble calm and an alkaline vomit irks the bullying sunshine. My mind is a total eclipse, my mind says no , and yet, my heart beats yes, yes, yes. I am a reproachful moon cascading darkness on this disgustingly sunny day. And yet when you grab hold of me, my history dissovles, my anatomy depletes, I become a few trinkets. A poem, an engagement ring, a mercury filling. It's true, it's true that you're my blood. Every breath I take it's for you. |
| Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days  Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161 | 'my mind says no yet'. Should it have been 'not yet'? It's absolutely beautiful. Unbelievably sweet and romantic but in a very different way... I think I read that right. I'm absolutely in love with the first stanza, especially 'marble calm and alkaline vomit'.  |
| FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda King For A Couple Of Days  Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 2921 | |
| The Doctor Falling In Love With The Board Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 8786 | Ginger Nuts:Whoops  I dropped out a comma.Damn commas are conspiring against me. *fixes* |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days  Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | I like of it is sort of simple and yet complex. Some words and phrases are very simplistic while others are advanced, and you balance that in a very good way which is one thing I like about this poem. As always I love the structure because it gives the poem such an interesting look and creates a different (but great) flow. I love the first stanza infinitely too.  The phrasing and choice of words are marvellous. It creates such an awesome imagery. I really like that you use rather odd words (for a poem), that makes it all complete. Like a final tough  Personally I find that this part “my heart beats yes, yes, yes.” feels a bit blunt and off. The way you put “yes” gives the line too quick of a pace to make it connect properly with the rest of the stanza/poem. If you want to change it I’d suggest something like this: My mind is a total eclipse, my mind says no , and yet, my heart beats yes, yes. I find that it fits in better with the rhythm in the rest of the poem. Also, in my opinion, only two “yes” gives more of a heartbeat feeling. Anyway, great poem as always  |
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