Medicinal Magic

Board index - Your poetry

Author	Message
Milk King For A Couple Of Days Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 3741	November 30th, 2006 at 05:51am Yeah I know I said I wasn't going to write anymore... But I need feedback on the stuff I write. Medicinal Magic Hey you, what's in your basket? Is it medicine you need? Your pleasure, don't try to mask it The 'suggested dose' you exceed It's the medicinal magic But really it's just dumb You're so desperately tragic Pretending to be numb You dance with the pill bottles You hide with the shame You choke with the throttle You play your own game The game that you play Is it okay to lie? To get better you pray But more you go and buy It's the medicinal magic But really it's just dumb You're so desperately tragic Pretending to be numb It's the medicinal magic In your rotting mind You're so desperately tragic Common sense confined But to you it's medicinal magic
What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451	December 2nd, 2006 at 07:42am It would have been easier to read if you’d put it in a different color I think it’s pretty good. I actually really like the last stanza and the last line because I thought they were well thought out and well written. I also like the theme and the way you presented it (when it comes to the metaphors). Overall I think it’s too repetitive. The choice or words is too simple for a poem that’s this repetitive. In my opinion the rhyming is a bit blunt and somewhat forced too. It (the rhyming scheme) also messes with the flow, for example “But more you go and buy” which felt a bit off and forced. You would do well in using punctuation or some other way of showing that one sentence ends and another begins. Because as of now the whole poem sorta floats to getter and the flow gets extremely chopped up by the question marks and such. If you want to know how to improve you could check out the “Poetry Tips 2” thread (because I can’t be arsed to copy and paste the tips into this post xD). In any case, good luck in the future and keep on writing!

Author

Message

Milk
King For A Couple Of Days
Milk

Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 3741

November 30th, 2006 at 05:51am

Yeah I know I said I wasn't going to write anymore... But I need feedback on the stuff I write.

Medicinal Magic
Hey you, what's in your basket?
Is it medicine you need?
Your pleasure, don't try to mask it
The 'suggested dose' you exceed

It's the medicinal magic
But really it's just dumb
You're so desperately tragic
Pretending to be numb

You dance with the pill bottles
You hide with the shame
You choke with the throttle
You play your own game

The game that you play
Is it okay to lie?
To get better you pray
But more you go and buy

It's the medicinal magic
But really it's just dumb
You're so desperately tragic
Pretending to be numb

It's the medicinal magic
In your rotting mind
You're so desperately tragic
Common sense confined

But to you it's medicinal magic

What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days

Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451

December 2nd, 2006 at 07:42am

It would have been easier to read if you’d put it in a different color Wink

I think it’s pretty good. I actually really like the last stanza and the last line because I thought they were well thought out and well written. I also like the theme and the way you presented it (when it comes to the metaphors). Overall I think it’s too repetitive. The choice or words is too simple for a poem that’s this repetitive. In my opinion the rhyming is a bit blunt and somewhat forced too. It (the rhyming scheme) also messes with the flow, for example “But more you go and buy” which felt a bit off and forced. You would do well in using punctuation or some other way of showing that one sentence ends and another begins. Because as of now the whole poem sorta floats to getter and the flow gets extremely chopped up by the question marks and such. If you want to know how to improve you could check out the “Poetry Tips 2” thread (because I can’t be arsed to copy and paste the tips into this post xD). In any case, good luck in the future and keep on writing!

Options
Go back to top