Kiss Me, I'm French

Messed up flow, I know..

Kiss Me, I'm French

To a French toy shop she sold her little heart;
A second-hand teddy raped from all its mind,
Stuffed with illusions
of all the wrong kind.

Words go to waste on too short of a breath,
Yet they sound so terribly romantic.
His world keeps turning,
she's oh so static.

Industrial heartbreak is top of the fashion
Her autobiography is material for art books
He stares at the beauty,
She hides from his looks.

Guarding her J't'aime's as well as her virginity
Yes, she appears so unexpectedly cute
A sudden stranger to herself
So loud, so mute.

The flow kind of worked, actually. It worked because it wasn't just basic rhyming couplets, there was something a bit more to it. I liked the structure - I mean, you could've made each stanza just three lines, but the splitting the last two lines makes better use of the flow.

If that makes any sense.

Now. Content. It's absolutely beautiful, but just one criticism, and it's just me being a little picky. 'He stares at the beauty, She hides from his looks' didn't flow well because of the words you chose. Even if you chose a different word for 'hide' it would work.

But otherwise, I love.

I liked the last two lines of every stanza's flow. It was a bit messed up on the other lines, though. Personally, I like the two lines that Ellen pointed out, but that's just me.

I love the rest of the poem, though. Your ideas are always presented uniquely.

I like the last two lines. It has a very good flow as well

you've changed your username since we last talked
I didn't look it up, I realized halfway through the poem, "they stole Ella's style!"
then by the end it struck me, "oh, this is Ella!"

so congradulations on being distincively amazing

edit: I have to tell what I like about it
which is hard, because I'd wind up saying, "I really liked this part" then copying the whole poem down

you used such an abstract concept and turned it into a concrete scene with a metaphor every two seconds
your poetry is so beautiful, seemingly pristine, reader-friendly (I could see you as a famous poet) but with Ella you have to read the lines you've already read between the lines

it gets better every time I read it
and of course you aren't discrimitory to those who can't read the lines between the lines (like me) and you add in brilliant lines that are also easy to understand
"so loud, so mute"
honestly, that applies to everyone (especially on GSB (especially in Specific Discussion)) but you use this motif for you own use....and dammit you're just amazing

if I ever plan to be a writer I'll visit you over the pond, because you all are some great writers (emphasis on the "you" in "you all"

Thanks everyone, especially Nick, it means the world to me.