davey jones.
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 7018
  | December 1st, 2006 at 04:46pm Short, sweet, and to the point. Not mention bad. Wrote it in like...a few minutes.
Wearing your face inside and out
I'm watching you sleep
Wondering what you dream about
I want to smile
But my heart won't let me
Please stop beating for awhile
I'm watching you
I sit here in my heartache
What am I supposed to do?
My heartbeat is too loud
To hear you breathe
I should tell you I love you, but how? |
sailor spaikae!
Jackass
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 1047
| December 1st, 2006 at 05:33pm Jess, this is brilliant.
Perhaps you could add commas at the end of each line to help the flow but it's seriously beautiful. |
spill_no_sick
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 31
Gender: -
Posts: 8588 | December 1st, 2006 at 06:02pm I love your style
this would NEVER end up in a text book because it is pristine, raw, refuses to conform to both text books and E.E. CUMMINGS rules for grammar/puncuation
it is extremely easy to tell you're an experienced poet, yet you have a very raw style
like if Jimmy Page wrote a punk love song
other than the whole love theme (which in my opinion is overused, you pulled it off better than most poets...yet it's still an overused main theme) it was brilliant
you're like the bridge between amateur poets on GSB and the experienced
you're like GSBs indie lable..but poetic |
