Melting the plastic.

AuthorMessage
Mrs. Lee
Jackass
Mrs. Lee
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1428

Mibba
December 10th, 2006 at 10:04am
I never knew what to say.
Or how to show you.
How is the way I act.
Stealing everything.
In my sight.
But not everything.
Is there to steal.

Maybe if I was in a plastic bag.
You would see me.
Maybe if I set on fire.
You would walk past.
Maybe if I was Insane.
And out of control.
You would hear me.
Do you see me?
Maybe I'm just...

Nothing.

Nothing at all.
When I fall.
I'm just nothing.
Not a thing at all.
Just maybe, maybe.
I'm nothing, Just nothing at all.

Melting the plastic.
As it hits the ground.

Maybe if my face was in the dirt.
Maybe if your gun was put against my head.
Maybe If I was hurt.
Maybe if I was dead.
Mrs. Lee
Jackass
Mrs. Lee
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1428

Mibba
December 10th, 2006 at 10:42am
I am sorry, it's crap. Sad
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
What's in a name?
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451

Mibba
December 10th, 2006 at 04:48pm
It’s not crap! Don’t ever post such a ting about your poetry ever again!

I actually sort of liked it. It’s real good in some aspects, but rough in others unfortunately.
(Just a thought but I think it’s better as lyrics than as a poem).

Anyway, you’ve managed to write in a pretty unique way, you have a good structure (save for the punctuation), your metaphors are real poetic and interesting and your phrasing is good. When it comes to punctuation you’ve done quite the opposite to the ordinary mistake., meaning you have too many full stops instead of none. Use commas, they don’t bite. Wink

Another “mistake” is the repetition. Some of it works but some just don’t. For example that you use “steal(ing)”, “everything” and “how” twice is just blunt. On the other hand the repetition in the second stanza works really well because it’s part of the poems structure. The last stanza is also an example of poorly used repetition. You could have skipped some of the “maybes”. Also you’re ending is pretty bad. It doesn’t connect with the rest of the poem and feels out of context. It doesn’t tie the other stanzas together and brings all to some sort of conclusion or closure.

I also think you should look twice at “How is the way I act” and “Maybe if I set on fire” and think about the grammar/structure of those sentences.

But in spite of all this I still think you did well and I like your (poetry) style. So don’t give up! Up
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