The GSB Writers Circle.

Okay. Here's my contribution - I wrote this many, many months ago, so it's not very good. Please remember that it's over 12 months old. I'm going to re-write it for the competition; I wanted to talk about physical, pumping adrenaline that you'd experience on a rollercoaster, because I'm just that weird.


Oblivous To Sensation

Memories of her eighteenth will be immortally
remembered with on ride photography; the echos
of her crystal screams... as they shattered and
plunged over one hundred and fifty feet to
the ground. Vertical tracks are always by far

the most intense. But it's not just the negative
G forces that take his breath away; it's the soft,
masquerading beauty of his angelic sweetheart,
as she admires the physics and turbulance of
the mechanisms through her delicate, convex lenses.

Ninety minutes of dense queues can be made much
more bearable with hidden kisses; with his
spontaneous poetic creations whispered softly
beside her dyed mahoghany pigtails. Her nervous
giggles could melt the sharpest of hearts.

Their heartfelt embrace gives her a harder
adrenaline rush than any aerial inversion. As
teenage sweethearts, he'll wash away her vertigo
with his tender, musicians' hands; breathe her
in... and breathe her out back in the loading bay.

She clings onto his shoulders like a worn out ragdoll.
As he strokes her pounding chest, he can feel her
heart surge with adrenaline, and pure, unrestrainted
affection. The sensation is like no other.

Prepare for Air... Assume the position... Now fly...

PhotoBoy.:

What's in a name?, that was simply incredible.
Really.
I read that + thought, wow. How the hell am I gonna come up with something as good as that.
Utterly superb.
Imagery was bloody amazing.
Ok.
I'll stop now.

Ima go come up with my adrenaline themed masterpiece piece of shit.
:]

Thank you so much. I’m glad you like it. And I’m sure you can come up with something equally good.
I mean, it can really be that amazing…right?
Anyway, thanks again.

Ginger Nuts:

What's in a name? - This has to be one of your most accomplished poems to date - your poem has always a simplicity in the language you use because of English not being your mother tongue; so not everyone can write like you. But this was so skilled, you'd think you'd spoken English your whole life; the metaphors of irises and retina for the 'eye of the storm' were beautiful.

Thank you, dear! Pretty neat, huh? You really think so? Because that’s one of the nicest compliments (saying it seems like I’ve spoken English my whole life) I could get. Thank you, metaphors are my friends

I've got my contribution. Now, I knew what I wanted to write about, but it came out kind of awkward because the feeling was so hard to describe. Considering that, I did...not bad. And Joan... to punctuation!

Adrenaline

In front of my mirror
With tangled hair.
He sings and if I was really there,
I suppose I would be terrified

There’s nothing
I’d love more.

Self-choreographed seizures
And giggles bubbling
From within me.
Forget Mary Jane
Because this is my high.
He sings “cocaine�
And I feel alive.

With my pulse in my mouth
And my heart on my sleeve
Singing, soaring, breathing
This, this is what I need!

Maniacal eyes and easily tired
I open my ears and
She brings me to life
It’s true—I’m insane.

In front of my mirror
Black-smudged face
My blood’s pumping
I’ve found my place

With my pulse in my mouth
And my heart on my sleeve
Singing, soaring, breathing
This, this is what I need!

I’m asking, he’s asking
Why it’s so miserable
Waiting like this because
All I need now
Is that screaming crowd
But I’ll get there.

Could I?

lyrical_mess:

I've got my contribution. Now, I knew what I wanted to write about, but it came out kind of awkward because the feeling was so hard to describe. Considering that, I did...not bad. And Joan... to punctuation!

I really like it! Quite simple when it comes to word choice but the phrasing is awesome! It has a nice flow and catchy feeling to it. Great rhymes! And I like the repetition of “In front of my mirror�. At times it is a little unclear though but yeah, nicely done anyway

THankeee....

Did you get what it was about?

lyrical_mess:

THankeee....

Did you get what it was about?

You're welcome

I think so…but it was a bit hard to interpret. I may have got it all wrong To me it seemed to be about a concert (during, after) or something like that. If it’s wrong I’ll feel so stupid.

Feel stoopid! Feel stoopid! Bow down!

*cough*

Its about me listening to songs and artists that I adore completely and just headbanging or dancing in front of my bedroom mirror to them. Lemme see if you can find the artists and songs mentioned...

I don’t feel that stupid. I wasn’t far off . In fact (believe it or not) that was my second guess. ^_^

I don’t know actually… I know that you mention Green Day (or Billie Joe w/e) and the song Jesus of Suburbia (the first part). But that’s about it…=P

lyrical_mess, you have this utterly ridiculous awesome style of pwning. It's simple, but breathtaking at the same time. You also seem to have quite a handle on those rhymes. Overall I give you an A+.

What's in a name?:

I don’t feel that stupid. I wasn’t far off . In fact (believe it or not) that was my second guess. ^_^

I don’t know actually… I know that you mention Green Day (or Billie Joe w/e) and the song Jesus of Suburbia (the first part). But that’s about it…=P

You got one right! I put MCR in there, too. First verse and towards the end. And Evanescance, too.

And thank you, Panda-bear! Maybe I'm not such a lyrical mess after all!

I wrote this semi-recently. It's the best my attempts at adrenaline poems are going to get. It's a little choppy, and I'm not sure about the wording but to hell with it.

A Patchwork: Lacy Mind (bear with me, here)

A silent tremor
pulsating.
Emmerced in the dry cough of false sweat,
gathering acceleration to rip holes
through my feet.

A seamless stream of expectations
spark successfully on the anxiety residing, which is already
drenching
fragments of mind.

The sky, I fear, is not falling today.
For if it was, the comfort of a cload waiting to
absorb me as moisture
would overthrow any deception that the disintigrating canvas
has.

Those whisps could
catch my beliefs.
The ones trickling from my palms,
through the tiny indescretions spasmotic veins formed
when eager for departure

I see, a dreaded premonition.
My cadavar dusted over with gravel,
twisted
Legs like ribbon, manipulated abnormally.

Increasing with the squeaks of enthusiastic danger,
my organs have slipped between my legs. All but my
heart.
It lays pumping, lodged in my throat.
A machine gun hammering in my chapped esophagus.

And then,
the wind has liquified.
Rippling past my face and making my
eyes glaze over with melted salt.
Which is only decorative, and washes away in moments.

With fruitless gasps,
each stretched tighter on invisible safety,
I am lifted.
I am rising.

Soft hands pulling me down,
wiping the expression away from where it fell
somewhere near my feet, in dusty colors.

Fish hooks pulling at my mouth
which has lost all feeling.
there is no room to think, to concieve that

this race of thoughts and bursting serotonin mixed with anticipation,
is almost as if I have dived iinto a waterfall.
Pressure on my lungs,
runny excitement coming to paper maché my mind with fear.

Adjusting? Impossible.
My body has strings, sticky still.
And I'm immobilised with
illusion paralysis and suspected catastrophe.

My heart is back in my chest thumping periodically.
A pleasant proof that the experience was not fatal,
and that no amount of fixated cartilage around my insides,
can stop from feeling exposed when being
eclipsed with adrenaline.


Yeah. So. That's it. Typing it out, it kind of seems worse than I remember. Oh well.

lyrical_mess - I loved it, it was very energetic and full of rhythm. I especially loved 'Self-choreographed seizures', that was just an amazing piece of imagery.

Misanthropist - Dude. Wow. You had a few typos and grammatical errors in places, but your content was absolutely amazing. It's absolutely gorgeous, you rock. I especially loved 'The sky, I fear, is not falling today', because I thought it's origin had such innocent, childlike roots and really contrasted the whole poem. I love.

Adrenaline pumping through my veins, and it's about to spill,
the apprehensive thoughts are my energetic thrill.
The tension and the patience, a smile of suspense
Ready to be washed with joy with pain at my expense
Astonished at the sudden jocund feeling in my mind,
and the hurt that I feel's so little as my emptiness unwinds
A moment, and I jump back, and realize what I've done...
I've started a personal life long war- by defeating only one.

-Kris.

Asta la vista

Sorry I didn't do this earlier.

What's in a Name-
Crushed are the reflecting ponds of the soul
by a turmoil waging storms behind the eyelids.
Waves lashes up and foaming white horses
beat themselves unconscious on the retina.

Favorite bit of it all, but really the whole imagery conveyed was awesome. I loved it.

Octubre 2- Cause it makes me feel like Im a man this threw me off a little when I was reading it out loud, and a typo was 'lose' isn't spelt with an extra 'o'. Unless you meant to put 'loosen' or 'loose'.
And all the world comes spinning around
And the bullets make this erotic sound
And our eyes become our ghost this was probably my favorite bit, although maybe the word 'erotic' could be something else. Idk. Oh, and in the last stanza And we are not better death should be dead right?
Overall I thought the idea behind it was a good one, but it could use some editing.

Dead End Girl- I really liked yours. This was my favorite part:
I've got an shot of adrenaline
Unfortunately, it was in my lung
It's getting harder to breathe in
It's making this young heart sting
Without you I'm just a junkie
And I've got a fix I need to fufill
The junk a monkey was a little confusing, I don't know, maybe rephrase it.

Ginger Nuts- Ninety minutes of dense queues can be made much
more bearable with hidden kisses; with his
spontaneous poetic creations whispered softly
beside her dyed mahoghany pigtails. Her nervous
giggles could melt the sharpest of hearts. I picked this part because it kind of sums up the poem style. You kept it descriptive, almost storylike, and added imagery to keep it like a poem. I know you're rewriting it. I just wanted to say that.

lyrical_mess- In front of my mirror
With tangled hair.
He sings and if I was really there,
I suppose I would be terrified was a good opener to the whole thing, and I quite liked that part. Overall I think you did a good job conveying your emotions, although I think if you reworked it the poem could go from good all around, to awesome all around. if that makes sense.

Kris_the_demon- #1
liked: Beyond my dreaming, closing eyes-a hectic, crazy place
And if I choose to open them, I’ll come face to face
Didn't like: Will the god we’ve worshipped for so long, come and save us then-
Or has even it turned its back on our reckless, speeding trends?
I felt for the line I didn't like, it would have to mention something heavier than trends. This is where I don't think rhyme works all the time, because it's hard to find something conveying the right emotion.
For what I liked, I thought it had some great imagery and opened the poem really well.

#2- and the hurt that I feel's so little as my emptiness unwinds
A moment, and I jump back, and realize what I've done...
I've started a personal life long war- by defeating only one. I really liked the last line of this. It was very awesome. Good job!

How come I can't edit my poem? I wanted to fix the typos.

lyrical_mess:

And Joan... to punctuation!

!!!

Niiiiice.

I'll comment on all the poems once i've written mine.

Sparrow.

I am a sparrow. I flit with a
slight superiority to the insensitive
gorging pigeons. I am frugal
to the naked eye
but I overindulge in my dangerous
activities.

With a flick of my feathers I
control my own life. A mere few years
between the mothers's sharp nest
and the hungry flies. I fly, I fly
far from here. I am not sure where I
left my mother to the great cat
with tulip lined lips and a saliva lake.

I dance on electricity and let the
glorious currents singe my
metallic beak. I dive into puddles
and let the air escape from my lucid
lungs and I drown, drown, drown
to sleep.

Death, so close on my heels
but I fly away, laughing at her stupidity.
Death is a woman, so murderous, so nurturing.
She tries, tries, tries but I fly too fast. My nimble
wings full of stardust. I am the essence of
angels.

The rush after being just being caressed and not
sentenced to a broken neck after a direct hit to
a windowpane or a moving train is ecstatic.
I see no other way of living than forever
dodging suicide, it is my way of being.

Will you stand at the side like a simple
grub that I shall scoop into my smiling
beak or will you join my acrobat display?

The Doctor

I dance on electricity and let the
glorious currents singe my
metallic beak. I dive into puddles
and let the air escape from my lucid
lungs and I drown, drown, drown
to sleep.

Death, so close on my heels
but I fly away, laughing at her stupidity.
Death is a woman, so murderous, so nurturing.
She tries, tries, tries but I fly too fast. My nimble
wings full of stardust. I am the essence of
angels.

I loved that bit, and the rest was also way too awesome. The descriptions were wonderful.

Kris_the_demon #2 - I really liked this; the flow was slightly off in a few places but overall I liked its steady rhythm, it can be very hard to write rhyming couplets and not sound forced and cliched.

The Doctor - What can I say? It's one of the most amazing pieces of poetry I've ever read, I loved how you really made the topic your own. There was something very restless and tragic about it, and I absolutely loved it from start to end.
'My nimble
wings full of stardust. I am the essence of
angels.'
^Those had to be my favourite lines. I'm so bloody jealous of you.

Joan, I love love love this one. Except for "saliva lake". That kind of ruined it for me. But my favorite part was "I dance on electricity and let the
glorious currents singe my
metallic beak. I dive into puddles
and let the air escape from my lucid
lungs and I drown, drown, drown
to sleep. "

Tomorrow, when I come home from school, I will critique each and every adrenaline poem. Promise.