The GSB Writers Circle.

Joan: I really just love the descriptions and the way you set the atmosphere. Brilliant. I especially love the third and 7th stanza (I didn’t count Johnny Panic and Such a beautiful siren as stanzas ).

Wait_what: I don’t know. First time I read it I liked the insane tone of it (so to speak), but now when I read it again it seems very simple and repetitive in a not so great way. I guess it feels a bit too choppy with all the full stops and short sentences. I still like it though =P

Kris_the_demon: As Panda said; stanzas needed. I think Away was very predictable, written in a common way and a tad cliché. Sad to say it was a tad boring to read. On the other hand Mosh was nicely written thanks to the good job you did with the rhymes. Although the flow was off at some places. Too bad it didn’t really stay on topic

TCD Supports STS: It’s ok. It starts off wonderfully with the ocean slimily and all, but then it rapidly declines after “shaking”. In my opinion it’s too simple and too straight to the point. The wording is very basic and nothing’s really that exciting about the whole poem. Also the repetition of “you” wasn’t all that great. Maybe some more similes and metaphors would be a good idea? Perhaps you could try to be not as straightforward? Then again, it’s just my opinions. You can write how you like.

Sorry it took so long to get these up. I've been bizzy bizzy. Meh.

Joan: I absolutely loved that poem. However, I feel that it didn’t really fit into the category of Panic, other than when you mentioned Johnny Panic… I don’t know, perhaps I’m just reading into it wrong. It’s still awesome, though.

Rose: I’m not too crazy with the first and last stanzas… they just seem, to me, to take away from the great poem you have going inside of them. They’re good standing alone, but I just don’t really like them with your poem. Anyway, I absolutely love, love LOVE the second stanza. Especially that last line- “and turn thoughts to ash.” Awesome.

Kris: Away- I love the poem, but I hate the rhyme scheme. You have such a wonderful vocabulary, and a good way with words, but… that rhyme scheme just bothers me. But it’s your call.
Two Weeks Later- Not so crazy about this one… Once again, that rhyme scheme, but with this one, the rhymes just seemed very forced.
Mosh- I’m going to definitely ask for some stanzas. Also, I really loved the beginning of the poem, but when you got down to the part in the pit where a band member rescues you, I just… eh. I didn’t really like how it ended so much. I feel that this poem is definitely your best, though! It also fits in the best with the overall theme of panic. One of the things that I would have LOVED this poem to do, though, is create an overwhelming feeling. If you would have cut this up into pieces, and took out tons of punctuation and rhymes, it would have been so awesome- just have it one big long sentence (not really, but you get it… hopefully). Make it feel like a big sentence, rather. Maybe something like this:
Five thousand, maybe more, all
come to this land, seeking out a personal escape the sticky,
messed up make up running down our face- more of ourselves, and
less a disguise parched lips beg silently for one drop of

a drink on the ledge of insanity we're over
the edge sneakers and bare feet scuff on
the terrain the music, the voices careen in
such sound A rage of dust creates a

great cloud, from the weight of the moshers mixed in
with the mob in eager search, we hunt
down some shade, duck into stores that canvas'
created find ourselves wasting money on food
we'll regret it later, for now it'll achieve.

I mean, obviously you don’t have to do anything I did. You’re the writer of the poem, not me. And yeah- that’s not the best rendition of it, but you get the picture. Anyway, good job!

TCD: I like the first stanza and the last few lines. In the middle it gets a bit repetitive. Other than that, it’s a great poem! I really love the second line the best: “Stuttering; your voice fading in and out, like ocean waves.” That’s such a good simile!

Rose (again): Holy crap! I love this one so much more than the first one! The images and metaphors and whatnot are absolutely brilliant… I can’t even pick out a favorite line or stanza… I love you.

What's in a name?:

Wait_what: I don’t know. First time I read it I liked the insane tone of it (so to speak), but now when I read it again it seems very simple and repetitive in a not so great way. I guess it feels a bit too choppy with all the full stops and short sentences. I still like it though =P

Any suggestions to improve it?

wait_what:

Rose: I’m not too crazy with the first and last stanzas… they just seem, to me, to take away from the great poem you have going inside of them. They’re good standing alone, but I just don’t really like them with your poem. Anyway, I absolutely love, love LOVE the second stanza. Especially that last line- “and turn thoughts to ash.” Awesome.

The first and the last stanza are just to describe the rest of the poem so too speak but thank you. I’m glad you like it at all since it’s quite old ^^

wait_what:

Rose (again): Holy crap! I love this one so much more than the first one! The images and metaphors and whatnot are absolutely brilliant… I can’t even pick out a favorite line or stanza… I love you.

Thanks, hon. I wrote it recently and I guess it shows that I’ve improved =P
Anyway, I’m so glad you like it. It means a lot. ILY2

wait_what:

What's in a name?:

Wait_what: I don’t know. First time I read it I liked the insane tone of it (so to speak), but now when I read it again it seems very simple and repetitive in a not so great way. I guess it feels a bit too choppy with all the full stops and short sentences. I still like it though =P

Any suggestions to improve it?

Well, there’s not much. But I think you could avoid the choppiness if you used commas and broke the rows at other places. Like this:
“Eyes glint cold, eyes glint red.”

“me. My eyes; gray.
Eyes glint gray.”

“Brown, they're brown.”

“Hazel. The metal stool
grows colder. My foot
slips from the bar.”

I can’t really give you any tips about the repetition though because I don’t wanna ruin your poem. I guess the simplicity works if you change the other things I mentioned. But, yet again, it’s your poem. And I’m just one person, it’s just one opinion

^Yeah. I'll take it into consideration and see what I can do with it.

Kris_the_demon - I agree entirely with what Panda suggested - Mosh really was harder read because it becomes very difficult to focus on a large chunk of text. Breaking it apart into stanzas would make for a better structure, too.
But I loved your first; I thought separating the entire poem into two definate sections was a really great concept, and ran almost like an editted film. And I loved how the imagery was equally strong in both, and contrasted well.

TCD Supports STS - I just adored the whole 'glass prison' concept; I'd presuming you'd thought of panic and anxiety being something that a lot of people ignore, so your troubles become invisible to them? I liked the last three lines too, and how you separated them. Fantastic.

What's in a name? - The only criticism I really have is that at times it felt a little choppy, and that it read like a series of statements. Bloody brilliant statements in any case, and I loved how you managed to deviate away from describing human panic. I especially loved 'The traffic jam of electrical impulses ceases
to be'.

Ginger Nuts:

What's in a name? - The only criticism I really have is that at times it felt a little choppy, and that it read like a series of statements. Bloody brilliant statements in any case, and I loved how you managed to deviate away from describing human panic. I especially loved 'The traffic jam of electrical impulses ceases
to be'.

Yeah, I know. Didn't know how to "fix" that though. Any suggestions perhaps? Thank you . Panic is such a often used topic so I felt that it needed to be put in a new light...or whatever

Those who rely on their bank accounts often think less of others,
Others who are put out in the real world of advertisies.
They who sit behind desks and order the jobs of people,
People who break their backs for the ones that they love.

While sipping on glasses of deep red wine, the blood of
Mortals painful and vigerous work-
Mortal's who picked the grapes until their fingers were sore,
While those who rely complain about opening the bottle.

Will they sit back in their comfortable chairs behind
A big wooden desk, built from the sweat of the hired?
While the hired are welcomed home to a child with the flu,
A spouse with a horrible past, and a lost pay check.

When the alarms go off, the sirens blare- will they take
The necessary precautions, or will they simply call up
The humans who are, and order the safety? Will it
be a good choice then to have won it all for nothing?


You may not think that this falls under panic- but it is. It's my personal panic for those who sit there ordering hard working people around, until they end up blowing up the world because their stupid and don't think about anything that they say or do.
Kind of my little "I hate the government" thing.
And it's what I panic about.
I tried to follow your guys suggestions- I seperated it into stanzas, though I'm not so good with non rhyming poems.

Understanding Velocity

A thought
bubbled
through the
sticky soup
of my
mind and
lured some
startling
dreams
of the
dark ages
into
full view.

Such a
simple
place, white
and safe;
no edgy
windows,
nothing
that could
hurt, kill
or maim.

Yet I scream.

I
see my
lover
being pulled
from my
grasp and
into
the grave
vortex
to some
where so
near to
my soul
yet...

I cannot touch her shining face anymore.

Fear is
holding
my heart
on a
string. I
cannot
live with
out her
by my
side. She
is the
sunshine,
the moon
and sky.

Without
her, my
angel of
my dreams,
I can
not do
anymore.

I can
not. I
cannot.

Whoaaaa, that structure was amazing. I read it so quickly and I think it made more of an impact that way.

OSM, duh.

I keep forgetting about this.

Kris - I love the imagery, the flow is amazing. The only critcism I have is:

"Mortal's" who picked the grapes until their fingers were sore,

Is "mortal's" supposed to be possesive?

Joan - I adore your word choice. The fourth stanza is my favorite.

I haven't done anything this fortnight. I think it ends tomorrow or something.

Kris - I liked how you gave the topic an unusual twist, but I wasn't entirely sure about how you executed it. Some of your images and ideas were great, but it just didn't flow that well for me.

Joan - Your structure was one which I had to read aloud - it was both highly challenging but fantastic to read. It wasn't just words, it was crafted and shaped. And for some curious reason, it made the words so much more fluid and easier to understand. I'm not sure why though.

I haven't done anything either, I've been so stuck for time to even come on GSB with all my coursework. I'm planning on blowing you away at the last minute though.

I just found something on my computer. I wrote it over a year ago as an English assignment.

At the time, we were studying Carol Ann Duffy's poetry; anyone who isn't familiar with her work should go and read 'Havisham' and 'Warming Her Pearls'.

We were asked to write a parody of one of her poems; adopt the same style and emulate the structure. I chose 'Havisham', which as I said before, is an amazing poem. I've never actually shown it to anyone other my class teacher, but here we go anyway. It's very old, so bear in mind it's probably not great...

Tape Recording
Bleeding happy blood. Not a night has
passed I'm not left unable to breathe. The trauma's
so deep, I've frayed patchwork for skin,
screaming hysterically as he sews me up.

Romance. Glimmers of light. Whole days
spent in black corners erasing my memories; pressing
his hand to my heart as I rewind;
the tape's been burnt and ripped at, someone fix this

for me? Synthetic fabrics aren't enough.
Like the choking smile I paint on each day;
it lasts the longest the more he kisses me,
it's the strongest when it's for real. Love's

sickness behind closed doors; smudged watercolours on
Valentine's cards. Disturbed. Like the bastard who did this to me.
You've never felt blistered metal against your skin.
Don't you ever call me w-w-w-weak.

HOLY CRAP THAT WAS AMAZING.

The last stanza pwns you all.

It's not amazing. It was directly influenced by someone elses poetry. You have to read the original to realise why I wrote it.

Doesn't someone need to choose the next topic?

Ah well even if it was directly influenced by someone you did a really good job with it. I will not back down.

And to choose the next topic I appoint What's in a name?

Ginger Nuts:

It's not amazing. It was directly influenced by someone elses poetry. You have to read the original to realise why I wrote it.

1st off- Being an English Education major, I think that assignment was horrible. Mimicking someone else's poetry is just wrong, in my opinion.

2nd- I've read that poem. I just re-read it, and then read yours. The only thing that was similar was the form. You made this poem your own.

I loved it. I hope you got an A+ on it.

Thank you so much. I wrote a while ago, I didn't think it was very good... I'd only just started writing.