lolololololol.k

Hmm. no title as of yet. K, this is shite. The flows off. And I repeated stuff I'm aware of the quanity of lines change.Possibly my worst work yet.

Stand on my toes and fumble with the rose in your mouth,
Let my stillettos lead us as we dance on the rooftops
The cliché little black dress entinces you with every silk crease


The night can wrap around us, darling, and we can catch the stars
Make a wish, sweetheart, they can't deny us a happy ending
One more heartbeat and one more scream, and I can be yours

A glisten of scarlet lipstick and you're on a journey to the stars
Is this the meaning of your misread dreams and vulgar hopes?
Tell me a story that doesn't concern happy endings
Are the angel and devil about to appear on your taliored shoulders?

Pressure cannot and will not make us crack underneath its fingers
I long for your touch, I long for your soft lips against mine
Call me your princess and twirl me until dawn rises on the horizon
Can't you mutter your words one more time?

Let the seductive moonlight dance on our choreographed toes


Hmmm.

K, so the flow's a bit off. But i love it, its really good

Aww, thanks Sanne.

I liked the first line, very cute. The flow was a bit off; the lines flowed then carried on when the rhythm of the words ended so it sounds jagged, if that makes sense, but still, it's very sweet :]

Thanks Jo

Hate is bad. Hate posts will get you banned. It’s also against the rules of this forum
Ok, so I’m (obviously) messing with you… but you get my point (don’t put yourself down).

So, the poem then. What do you mean “the flow is off”

Look at the amount of syllables! (hope I counted right xD)
13
14
15

15
15
13

17
14
14
19

16
14
18
9

17

Like two lines are off. It doesn’t really have a pattern but the difference isn’t big enough to make the flow off. Save for those two lines.

The repetition isn’t really noticeable (except for the “stars” one in the second and third stanza), which means you did it ok.

I really like this poem. It’s not over creative or very new but you did a real nice job. You had beautiful metaphors that worked terrifically well and your phrasing was great because it presented the atmosphere so well. The lines in italics worked just fine (like the way the were used).

I didn’t really like “Are the angel and devil about to appear on your taliored shoulders?” and “Can't you mutter your words one more time?”. Partly because the flow was really off there and partly because they were (in my opinion) a bit blunt, especially in comparison with the other lines.

But yeah, real good poem. Ordinary subject but beautifully written.

Thank you so much

You’re welcome, dear ^_^

I really like it, but at the moment a lot of your work is very similar - I'm not blaming you, it happens to everyone from time to time.

It's still really beautiful, and I especially loved the first stanza. But yes, I would do something to correct the flow of the last two lines.

Yeah, thank you,

n u think ur better than meh...u should see ur mistakes...

luv-you-billie-joe<3:

n u think ur better than meh...u should see ur mistakes...

o_o

Noe. You posted your poem for people to read and advise you


And thats exactly what I did.

yep. but they ddnt say that wat u write is like shit

luv-you-billie-joe<3:

yep. but they ddnt say that wat u write is like shit

....

Because its obviously not. These people are my friends and I'd like to think they wouldn't lie to me.

Enough you guys. luv-you-billie-joe<3 and Benathy. ma' dear. That's spam. And that's a no no