Private Suicide
| Author | Message |
|---|---|
| ticklemipickle Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie  Age: 33 Gender: Female Posts: 17  | |
| EyesParalyzed Geek  Age: 104 Gender: Female Posts: 242 | it's that a poem? by you? whatever it is it's great  |
| the crucible. Idiot  Age: 29 Gender: Female Posts: 621 | Hm. This topic is really common and your blunt words don't do much to help. The rhyming's pretty forced, which makes the poem go off-topic. I suggest using metaphors, similies, or anything of this sort, to make this stand out a bit more. I’m being bullied by the “popular” girls at school I can’t stand up for myself, I feel such a fool They make me feel worthless and they make me cry The make me angry, they make me want to die So I’m in my room counting my last seconds Because soon I’ll be dead and I’ll go to heaven I don't like this at all. It's forced and blunt. As I said above, use some metaphors and stuff. Also, try not to make things obvious! Instead of just saying you're being bullied, for example, suggest the latter in a vague manner. However, the last four lines are osm and have great potential. I loved the stairway to death bit. But keep up the hard work and continue writing, I say! |
| just_call_me_dookie Addict  Age: 33 Gender: Female Posts: 12902 | I think its quite good.  |
| ticklemipickle Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie Age: 33 Gender: Female Posts: 17 | Thanks. And Snow White Queen thank you for your advice!!! I really appreciate it |
| FINGER_FUDGE Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie Age: - Gender: - Posts: 23 | Hello again ticklemipickle  Really good, I like the emotions involved. Keep writing and don't let the bad reviews get you down matey  |
| Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days  Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161 | I lie on my bed Hands behind my head Looking up at the ceiling It desperately needs a lick of paint but no paint can cure this feeling Didn't entirely see the relevance of this line. And it ruined the flow of the poem, because of the length. I’m so depressed and so alone I have no place that I can call home I have no life and I have no friends And this pain never seems to end I’m being bullied by the “popular” girls at school I can’t stand up for myself, I feel such a fool They make me feel worthless and they make me cry The make me angry, they make me want to die I agree with Snow White Queen, I think these were the weakest lines overall, they were just too forced and cliched. So I’m in my room counting my last seconds Because soon I’ll be dead and I’ll go to heaven I open the bedside draw and pull out the blade Making new wounds over the old ones I made Mention of blades will usually just turn into an average 'cutter' poem. Which is never good. If you're going to write about suicide, you need to have a real grasp on poetic imagery and techniques to stop it sounding obvious and repetitive. But this time they're deeper, so I take my last breath And begin to climb the stairway to death. I actually quite liked the stairway to death line. A little unoriginal, but I liked it. I don't want you to think I'm saying all of this for no reason. Yeah, it isn't great, but hopefully with some advice and criticism you'll get better, which I'm sure you want to. |
| [LuLu] Geek Age: - Gender: - Posts: 102 | |
| radioactive Geek  Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 338 | |
| germma margaret! Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie  Age: 31 Gender: Female Posts: 27  |
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