Criminal Minds

Yah, new poem.

Cool, smooth metal
Greets my hand with cold welcome.
Fingers slip, silent like snakes,
Into position, gripping the weapon,
With nervous and sweaty palms.

The gun feels like murder,
Evil tools like death divine.
The trigger, taunting criminal,
Calling upon my finger's action.
Broken hearts are back in fashion.

My index pushes down.
The bullet is sent hurtling through
Paths of murder set by me.

Don't like it. What do you think?

I didn't think it was too bad. That being said, I think it could do with a little work. I didn't like the word 'whizzing' too much, it was too simplistic and without sounding harsh, slightly amateurish.

It's not a uncommon subject, but this is one of the better poems I've seen. I think the first stanza could've been made better if you'd written 'with nervous AND sweaty palms'. The stanza is very disjointed, but that would remedy it.

I did particularly like the second verse, but repeating 'death' wasn't so good - but I loved 'The gun feels like murder in my hands'. That was pretty sweet.

And if you're not happy with a poem, you could put it away for a while, and then come back to work on. I've started rewriting stuff from months ago, it's really good to come back to something like that. I think it'll be great when you've worked on and are happy with it.

Hope that was helpful.

Snow White Queen:

The gun feels like murder in my hands
Evil tools like death divine.
The trigger, taunting criminal,
Calling upon my finger's action.
Death is near.

I'd get rid of that part 'cause I think it sounds a lot better and cooler without it.

The gun feels like murder in my hands,
Evil tools like death divine.

i agree with Ellaisonfire leave out "in my hands" it sounds radder without it
that is a really good line though

Very helpful. Cause you know, I'm writing this poetry book for my sister for Christmas and I haven't written it in the book yet, so I'll make the changes.

But I suck really, cause I've only written 8 poems so far. So I'm including some short stories as well.

Well what about:

The gun feels like murder,
Evil tools like death divine.
The trigger, taunting criminal,
Calling upon my finger's action.
Fallen is fallen past retrieving.

OR

Broken hearts come back in fashion.

OR even

Hearts shall break upon my signal.

^ that one up there is shitty, but nevertheless,'ll consider it.

And about the second to last line, how about:

The bullet is sent hurtling through
flying
speeding

Snow White Queen:

Very helpful. Cause you know, I'm writing this poetry book for my sister for Christmas and I haven't written it in the book yet, so I'll make the changes.

But I suck really, cause I've only written 8 poems so far. So I'm including some short stories as well.

Well what about:

The gun feels like murder,
Evil tools like death divine.
The trigger, taunting criminal,
Calling upon my finger's action.
Fallen is fallen past retrieving.

OR

Broken hearts come back in fashion.

OR even

Hearts shall break upon my signal.

^ that one up there is shitty, but nevertheless,'ll consider it.

And about the second to last line, how about:

The bullet is sent hurtling through
flying
speeding

I LOVE.

Do ya really? Trouble is, which one? THankies anyway.

depends....

Snow White Queen:

Do ya really? Trouble is, which one? THankies anyway.

I really like both, maybe 'Broken hearts come back in fashion'

Yeah, I like that one best. Well, goodio.