mybassgoesdirntdirntdirnt
Geek
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 150
 | December 23rd, 2006 at 08:37pm it all started with 'I love you'
those three simple words
and then that fateful day came
he killed your heart and said goodbye
your left with just your body
an empty shell of flesh
with broken hearts and all pain
and his reasonings made no sense
And I watch this from afar
My wall of self-control is breaking
and anger is rushing in too fast
My heart breaks for you my darling
ok, i'm not sure if i should keep going or if its ok being this short. I need honest crtizim and opinions. my best friend just got her heart broken. thanks. |
JCJP
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 57 | December 23rd, 2006 at 08:43pm mybassgoesdirntdirntdirnt:it all started with 'I love you'
those three simple words
and then that fatful day came
he killed your heart and said goodbye
your left with just your body
an empty shell of flesh
with broken hearts and all pain
and his resonings made no sense
And I watch this from afar
My wall of self control is breaking
and anger is rushing in too fast
My heart breaks for you my darling
ok, i'm not sure if i should keep going or if its ok being this short. I need honest crtizim and opinions. my best friend just got her heart broken. thanks.
seems atypical and SP errors but overall
7.5/10
pretty good, with some cleaning up and a few more/a few less stanzas it could be really good
leave some note of happiness in it and it would be beautiful in a way |
love.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 2844 | December 23rd, 2006 at 09:27pm its simple yet its good  |
mybassgoesdirntdirntdirnt
Geek
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 150
| December 23rd, 2006 at 09:28pm thank you =] |
love.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 2844 | December 23rd, 2006 at 09:30pm your very welcome |
newagecarny
Was Here Two Weeks Ago
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 42495
| December 24th, 2006 at 06:54am Overall it's not bad but there's definitely room for improvement. And you sure have the potential to do so.
It's a tad cliché. |
hay lin
Idiot
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 760 | December 24th, 2006 at 08:12am It's beautiful. |
