Mrs. Lee
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1428
 | December 28th, 2006 at 10:41am Nothing but the sweet taste of wine.
That runs along your veins,
Nothing more than something that tastes so fine.
But your will, from the chemicals, drains.
Nothing in the toxic air.
For your heart to pump your soul.
Nothing but something I can't bare.
Listening to you slip and fall...
Every night you'll call,
For the taste of burning wine.
Tired, you will sleep,
With a heart of darkened lead.
Blindness you will dream.
Morning you will stand, speechless.
Night you will cry...
Begging for your daughter back.
Fathers sons, and his only girl.
Nothing but himself, looking at a mirror.
Cold and whispering, as fog covers his face.
Nothing but myself, he can still hear her.
All of everything seems, is out of place.
Well.
I just wrote that, just this second.
I don't know why I wrote it, but I think it's because I think I'm becoming what my father is.
And Alcoholic.
I think this will help me a bit. :] |
Mrs. Lee
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1428
| December 30th, 2006 at 12:20am |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | December 30th, 2006 at 07:10am Good job. 'Tired, you will sleep,
With a heart of darkened lead' was especially effective; I really loved those lines because they were so simple but so beautiful at the same time.
I really liked it. But perhaps if you rephrased 'Every night you'll call,
For the taste of burning wine' it'd be even better. Repeating the wine imagery lost it's power in the second instance. And I really loved that image, it'd be a shame to tire it out. I'm not sure what you could change it to though, I'm not that creative this morning.  |
Mrs. Lee
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1428
| December 31st, 2006 at 12:28am thanks  |
PaNcAkEs
Jackass
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1808
 | January 1st, 2007 at 07:15pm cool, you write good stuff...real good stuff |
