If This Is What You Want, Then Fire At Will

Sup. Yes, I used MCR lyrics for the title. They just seemed to fit. But if this is against the rules, then obviously, someone's going to let me know and I'll change it. But until then, they seem appropriate for my poem.

If This Is What You Want, Then Fire At Will

Turn the tables around
And you start to squeal
Yeah, now you start whining
When you know how it feels

So tell me, darlin'
What brings this change?
I doubt the summer winds
Have made you this way.
Don't blame it on "love"
As we both know you might
Cuz I won't let it go
I won't abandon this fight.
Not this time.

Every disagreement
Goes ignored and unresolved
Questions and answers
We've been through it all
But now you act like
New virgin snow
Spare me from your pretense
Oh come on! We both know!

So tell me, darlin'
What brings this change?
I doubt the summer winds
Have made you this way.
Don't blame it on "love"
As we both know you might
Cuz I won't let it go
I won't abandon this fight.
Not this time.

I have to know
Why this has to end.
Tell me, when did you stop
Being my friend?


I just thought of something...what if there was this girl and she wanted to break up with her boyfriend whose name was Will. And her friend told her that if this is what she wants, then fire at Will?

*cough*

Hi, I don't have issues. Please critique my poem.

I LOVE your logic.

'But now you act like
New virgin snow
Spare me from your pretense
Oh come on! We both know!'
^I thought those lines were really awesome. They felt like they could be mighty song lyrics.

The only thing I can criticise is that at times it can be a little choppy and doesn't flow too well; the rhyme scheme is very unruly throughout.

That would only matter if it were a spoken poem - lyrics are entirely different. As lyrics they're fantastic, because the irregulaity gives it real energy.

If any of that makes even remote sense.

It does make sense. Whenever I write lyrics, I usually write the melody as I write the words. But sometimes, as in this case, I don't. And if I try and fit a tune, it sounds like bad country music.

And thank you. Poor Will...

I can't really add much to ol' El's comments.

'Cept the use of the word 'cuz'. It's a personal thing but it just annoys me.

I like this, it'd make good lyrics.

*bows* Thank you. Somehow, I ended up being a better songwriter than a poet...and I've been trying to write lyrics since third grade.

*remembers* Something about "There's one thing I'll never do to you and that's what I swear I'll never do." And now look at me! Getting comments from all my fanceh buddies on GSB!!!!

You can keep the title that way. I’m gonna call you uncreative for using it (j/k) but I’m not gonna do anything about it because I don’t think it interferes with any copyright. And if it does then, well…

Hey, what Gerard doesn't know won't hurt him.

lyrical_gaah52:

Hey, what Gerard doesn't know won't hurt him.

I guess

dirka dirka

:[steph]:ze.refurbisher.x:

dirka dirka

??????

:[steph]:ze.refurbisher.x:

dirka dirka

Please, no spam, thank you. ( Beside, you can get temporarily banned if you make off topic posts).

Agreeing with what Ellen said. Oh my, how uncreative of me.

Anyway, I adore it as lyrics, would make an excellent song. Sorry I didn't elaborate much; not really in the mood.

I agree with everyone else, there's a lack of real flow. It makes a great song though! The only verse to really catch my attention was this one-

So tell me, darlin'
What brings this change?
I doubt the summer winds
Have made you this way.
Don't blame it on "love"
As we both know you might
Cuz I won't let it go
I won't abandon this fight.
Not this time.

I like the use of darlin' to add a more unique sound, a sort of characterization, to the poem/song, but I think it would sound better as darling with the 'g'. That's just a me thing though. If you like it keep it, it seems to mess up the tone of it for me.

Another thing, the summer winds seemed cliche to me, I've read it in a few other places, and it also seemed to stick out like a sore thumb compared to the rest of the imagery you provided. I don't know if it was intentional to give it additional weight and emphasis, just wanted to point it out.

That's it. The rest is perfect. The message here is great and you get it across perfectly. Great job, man.

I liked it. The lyrics were creative and punchy.
Haha... Will.
Cute.

havingablast_greenday:

I agree with everyone else, there's a lack of real flow. It makes a great song though! The only verse to really catch my attention was this one-

So tell me, darlin'
What brings this change?
I doubt the summer winds
Have made you this way.
Don't blame it on "love"
As we both know you might
Cuz I won't let it go
I won't abandon this fight.
Not this time.

I like the use of darlin' to add a more unique sound, a sort of characterization, to the poem/song, but I think it would sound better as darling with the 'g'. That's just a me thing though. If you like it keep it, it seems to mess up the tone of it for me.

Another thing, the summer winds seemed cliche to me, I've read it in a few other places, and it also seemed to stick out like a sore thumb compared to the rest of the imagery you provided. I don't know if it was intentional to give it additional weight and emphasis, just wanted to point it out.

That's it. The rest is perfect. The message here is great and you get it across perfectly. Great job, man.

Thank you. And actually, summer winds wasn't meant to be imaery or a metaphor. My friend, who I wrote this about, used to always say that "Summer brings change. I always become different after every summer" and stuff like that. And he's been a complete asshole lately. And the "love" thing. He started going out with one of my old friends a while ago and he's totally gaga for her. And I have a feeling he was going to blame his assholeness on the fact that he has a girfriend now.

Aha. Gotcha.

Oh, and also " darlin' " is just something I call all my friends. I call them darlin' and babe. It annoys the shit out of them