NeoSteph
Basket Case
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 16494
  | January 28th, 2007 at 07:13pm Angels
I stood there watching while you cried,
Just stood there and watched
The silence of the crowded street embraced your pleas of help,
Yet it was just I who stood there and watched.
The red stain on your crisp white collar trickled down your chest
As the rain poured down
I watched as your frail blood-stained hands tried to cover the open wound,
Whilst knowing it was already a lost battle
Angels had already decided this fate
The sound of sirens broke the heavy silence that surrounded you
Had someone seen you in this dark place?
Or were the sounds of the night playing tricks on your hearing
White blurs rushed past me to engross the turmoil that was before them,
Yet I just stood there and watched
Your screams of panic were lost on these saviors of lives,
As they tried to give back what was already taken
Their cries of frustration lost in the night
It was too late
Angels had already decided this fate.
Your rescuers were leaving now
But you refused to budge
So I stood there and watched you
More people left, the excitement of the night already lost on them.
But you stayed
So I watched.
You were alone again now.
Slowly your trance like state disappeared and you took a breath
I watched as you placed one last kiss on your fallen lover,
Letting one more tear leave your emotionless eyes
Before escaping this tragedy
So I watched you walk away
Before turning towards the mirror of my past
Indeed
Angels had already chosen my fate. |
The Doctor
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 8786
| January 28th, 2007 at 08:37pm NeoSteph:
The red stain on your crisp white collar trickled down your chest
NeoSteph:
The sound of sirens broke the heavy silence that surrounded you
I liked thesed parts. Very emotive writing here, there was some good use of repetition (like the whole angels had decided your fate, I stood and watched etc) except, in my own opinion, you used the words "silence" and "stain" a bit too much for them to have their full potential effect. Still, it was incredibly moving. May I ask what it was based on? |
NeoSteph
Basket Case
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 16494
| January 29th, 2007 at 07:43pm Joan Greenwood:NeoSteph:
The red stain on your crisp white collar trickled down your chest
NeoSteph:
The sound of sirens broke the heavy silence that surrounded you
I liked thesed parts. Very emotive writing here, there was some good use of repetition (like the whole angels had decided your fate, I stood and watched etc) except, in my own opinion, you used the words "silence" and "stain" a bit too much for them to have their full potential effect. Still, it was incredibly moving. May I ask what it was based on?
I wrote this probably 5 years ago. The first piece of poetry I wrote. So when I found it again I had to correct some grammar mistakes  .
It was around the time my uncle had been diagnosed with terminal cancer so I think I drew from those emotions. |
The Doctor
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 8786
| January 30th, 2007 at 01:50pm NeoSteph:Joan Greenwood:NeoSteph:
The red stain on your crisp white collar trickled down your chest
NeoSteph:
The sound of sirens broke the heavy silence that surrounded you
I liked thesed parts. Very emotive writing here, there was some good use of repetition (like the whole angels had decided your fate, I stood and watched etc) except, in my own opinion, you used the words "silence" and "stain" a bit too much for them to have their full potential effect. Still, it was incredibly moving. May I ask what it was based on?
I wrote this probably 5 years ago. The first piece of poetry I wrote. So when I found it again I had to correct some grammar mistakes .
It was around the time my uncle had been diagnosed with terminal cancer so I think I drew from those emotions. Ahh. I gained a more...watching the Titanic go down sorta vibe. But that's just me lol |
