Everlast...ing

Asphyxiation will come swift
when words are such a bore.

When the rain clouds begin to shift
on this old beach shore-
the palm trees lose their life tonight
as song birds hide away-

for death provides a dismal light
in which the beam lights slay.
Grenadine kisses fill the air
as darkness looms beyond-

we watched with each other’s warm care
as the marks make their con.
The shadows fall in deep to spy
as whispers fill our breath-

not sensing the dread from the sky,
as the wind whispered death.
The comatose dirge swept in fast
to keep us far apart-

still we knew nothing of the past
but lines for the next part.
We spoke in a beautiful trance
but my throat had caved in-

and this time colors won’t enhance
what really should have been

there.

wait_what:

Asphyxiation will come swift
when words are such a bore.

When the rain clouds begin to shift
on this old beach shore-
the palm trees lose their life tonight
as song birds hide away-

for death provides a dismal light
in which the beam lights slay.
Grenadine kisses fill the air
as darkness looms beyond-

we watched with each other’s warm care
as the marks make their con.
The shadows fall in deep to spy
as whispers fill our breath-

not sensing the dread from the sky,
as the wind whispered death.
The comatose dirge swept in fast
to keep us far apart-

still we knew nothing of the past
but lines for the next part.
We spoke in a beautiful trance
but my throat had caved in-

and this time colors won’t enhance
what really should have been

there.

Those lines brought some attention to the poem.
The meaning behind the words isn't at all clear to me, but I'm sure they are to you.

You have good technical writing skills.

But from my own opinion I think the meaning of the poem is more important.
And I think that's what you could work on.

But I still liked it.

I could have sworn I made a comment on this yesterday. Knowing me I probably pressed the wrong button. Again.

Well, I couldn't believe that hardly anyone has commented on this yet. I think it's very accessibly poetic, and would make the most fantastic lyrics - something raw and alternative.

I suppose I agree a little with Kerplunk Girl, but I felt that it obviously has a meaning to you, and I was able to interpret it in so many ways. Meanings are always available to a poem, it just depends how it makes you feel.

And I loved how you structured the simple rhyme scheme.

I especially loved 'Grenadine kisses fill the air'.

You have such a poetic stile. Rather simple and common rhymes but an interesting structure. I really love it and it’s great when read aloud, I gotta tell you! It has a great flow except for this part: “we watched with each other’s warm care/as the marks make their con.” I don’t know why. It has the same amount of syllables as the lines in the other stanzas but still it sounds off. My guess would be that it’s the word “other’s”. Maybe it’s just me but I sorta stumble on that word and the flow gets messed up. And, I don’t know if you’ve thought about it but you repeated a few words (“light”, “whisper/whispered”, “death”). Anyway, I really liked the poem (I’m just picky ).

that was beautiful
not sensing the dread from the sky,
as the wind whispered death.

that bit particular caught my attention
you have a good style of writting well done xx

Kerplunk Girl:

The meaning behind the words isn't at all clear to me, but I'm sure they are to you.
...
But from my own opinion I think the meaning of the poem is more important.
And I think that's what you could work on.

Ginger Nuts:

I suppose I agree a little with Kerplunk Girl, but I felt that it obviously has a meaning to you, and I was able to interpret it in so many ways. Meanings are always available to a poem, it just depends how it makes you feel.

Yes, the meaning of the poem is always extremely important, but the thing with my writing is that I tend to be... vague and ambigious. That's so people draw their own intepretations from my poetry. While these poems are extremely personal to me, I want to leave myself and my emotions kind of... detached, if you will, from it. Enough to convey the feelings... but not enough to show exactly what's going on... If that makes any sense.

But I will work on my poetry to get a clearer meaning. I know it's not something I typically do... but neither is rhyming.

Thanks for the comments.

What's in a name?:

You have such a poetic stile. Rather simple and common rhymes but an interesting structure. I really love it and it’s great when read aloud, I gotta tell you! It has a great flow except for this part: “we watched with each other’s warm care/as the marks make their con.” I don’t know why. It has the same amount of syllables as the lines in the other stanzas but still it sounds off. My guess would be that it’s the word “other’s”. Maybe it’s just me but I sorta stumble on that word and the flow gets messed up. And, I don’t know if you’ve thought about it but you repeated a few words (“light”, “whisper/whispered”, “death”). Anyway, I really liked the poem (I’m just picky ).

Yeah... I kind of stumble there, too. I just really couldn't think of anything else to put there.

But yeah, I know I repeated words... It's supposed to be like that.

Anyway, I've been studying classic literature in some of my classes, and I just fell in love with the 8-6 meter with ABAB rhyme scheme. I used to write rhyming poetry, so I knew I could pull of the rhymes decently, but the real struggle was the meter.

But it's definitely not a style I'm used to, and I doubt I'll be writing anymore like it. Just an experiment.

warning.:

that was beautiful
not sensing the dread from the sky,
as the wind whispered death.

that bit particular caught my attention
you have a good style of writting well done xx

Yes. Those are definitely my favorite lines in that poem. Thanks.

wait_what:

Yeah... I kind of stumble there, too. I just really couldn't think of anything else to put there.

But yeah, I know I repeated words... It's supposed to be like that.

Anyway, I've been studying classic literature in some of my classes, and I just fell in love with the 8-6 meter with ABAB rhyme scheme. I used to write rhyming poetry, so I knew I could pull of the rhymes decently, but the real struggle was the meter.

But it's definitely not a style I'm used to, and I doubt I'll be writing anymore like it. Just an experiment.

The thing is, neither can I so I’m not really helpful at all.

I guessed that it was intentionally because you’re an awesome poet but I just had to check, just in case.

I figured that there was something behind all this . You did a great job too, that certainly isn’t easy.

Personally I’d love to see one or two more poems like this by you in the future because you truly are skilled.